2010
2010 was the year:I quit my job. It was the year... where fear ironically made me stronger. Fear taught me not to fear and to move on with life. Fear taught me to make the decision I was afraid of making - to quit my job and to move on to the next phase in life. I was afraid... afraid that no one will hire me because of my medical condition... but I knew I'd be trapped in a web if I didn't move on to something else. Despite the friendships I've built with my colleagues, my clients, my suppliers... I knew I had to move on. Fear trapped me but fear also liberated me because I was more fearful of getting stuck with the same old me. I need a new me. And I need it now. My decision to quit will soon be put to the test as I embark on a job hunt. Nothing but blind faith and confidence now! I have to start believing I am better than I think I am.
I pursued my interests. I took up photography. I bought myself a DSLR. I signed up for a photography course. I was fortunate to meet like-minded people who taught me so much about photography and life. I thank them for their open hearts, open minds and ability to infect me with optimism - and that's not an easy task. I completed an entrepreneurship course - meeting people from all walks of life, people whom I may never have met. I completed a wine appreciation course - finally I know cab sav is red while sav blanc is white. Although I still can't tell a cab sav apart from a shiraz... at least I can swirl the wine in my glass and look like a pro. I hope more of my closer friends start to pick up wine-drinking and we can appreciate wine together.
I had more time for - my parents, my grandmother, my nieces, my friends. Building a closer bond with my nieces was perhaps the most magical part of 2010. I finally feel I am family to them. They give new meaning to life. But I kinda realise I'm not the sort who can stay committed?
I lost my grandfather. A distant man who was beginning to be more approachable, more conversant... but more didn't seem to be enough. I'd always admired him for his "coolness" - the type who didn't have a care in the world. I guess he did care, just in ways that wasn't obvious to us. But after his passing, I feel I don't have enough memories of him. There wasn't enough memorable moments. It made me ponder if "coolness" was something I wanted in my life. Or do I want to keep sharing moments with people I care for? Ah Gong - a talented linguist who spoke Mandarin, English, Malay, Cantonese, Teochew; a "money person" who kept records of his finances and invested in funds without anyone's knowing; a man I respected, a man I wished I knew better.
I had my first surgical experience. It gave me a taste of what it felt like to be sick. The diagnosis, the tests, the preparation for surgery, the night before surgery, the wait, the operating theatre, the recovery, the medical bills, the follow-up. I had always thought I'd never land up in a hospital but reality is harsh. It was a taste of things to come, possibly, and sooner or later I may have to prepare myself for big test. But there's still so much to be done... I need time and I hope time will be there for me.
My mum no longer had to endure the misery and hardship of chemotheraphy. Cancer or not cancer - I think that is no longer that important for now. What's important is that she's a lot healthier and more alive that she used to be. She eats, she laughs, she gossips with gusto --- she's alive again. What I hope from her is for her to search for what she wants in life henceforth. I won't always be there for her and I hope she finds her own life soon. And of course, for her to stay healthy and strong.
Friends started getting married - Adrian, CaiXia, Aaron, Spencer, Zhengmin etc. My first experience as a "brother". Glad I could help and feel happy for Adrian and RQ. The coming-of-age phase in my life.
I will leave out all other negative thoughts, sad episodes and doubts. If I record them in this post, will I keep dwelling over them? Analysing them over and over again? I will also leave out the deep dark secrets... I'll leave them all behind me in the year 2010, until they come back to haunt me again... Learn from the past and look to the future. No matter how short my future may be, I need to make it work for myself. I still have regrets... but I still have some time to make up for it.. whatever little time is left*
*I can't help but end with a wee-bit of cynicism and pessimism. It's in my DNA.
Farewell 2010.
