ConfessionS Of A SleePlesS MinD

但愿人长久

2011-10-30T21:23:00.002+08:00

29/10/2011

王菲2011巡唱新加坡站。

终于耳闻她唱现场的功力。刚开始，声音不够稳定，有点不确定。但越唱越舒服，越有自信和穿透力。短短两小时不到的演唱，让我见证她的魅力。我终于明白歌迷对她的死忠。那份无论如何都要听她唱歌的心情和冲动。

一曲“但愿人长久”绝对不是演唱会的高潮，却让我热泪盈眶。不是因为王菲唱地特别感人，而是因为这首歌意义非凡。

今年的中秋节，老爸，阿嬷和我在医院里陪老妈度过。中秋庆团圆。但冷冰冰的病房里，一点生气也没有。我便用手机播放了邓丽君的“但愿人长久“。。。应节嘛。而我妈也颇爱邓丽君的。我一边播放着，一边问老妈：”好听吗“？她没有任何反应。不知道她听不听得到。。。当时的我，强忍眼泪，心里做好心里准备。无论我们多么想保持乐观，残酷的现实等待我们面对。乌云笼罩。时日可能不多了。

那晚的记忆深深烙印在我脑海里。可能是无法忘记，也可能是不想忘记。想紧紧握住那片段，那伤疤。我想我从此无法以平常心，正常的面对这首歌。这首歌太酸，太痛，太多的遗憾。

生日（不）快乐

2011-10-30T19:01:00.003+08:00

2011年10月19日

今年的生日在医院里度过。不详的预兆？难道医院将从此成为我第二个家？噩梦的开始？

上一次在医院里度过生日是。。。老妈入院。我们在她身边守护着她。那是两年前的事吧？

15.04.2011 Time to say goodbye - Xinyu Bookshop

2011-04-16T23:45:00.000+08:00

现在下着倾盆大雨，仿佛为这老店的离别而哭泣。不舍。。。

幸好来得及道别。营业了33年的新育书局明日起将走入历史。感谢老板和老板娘允许我拍照记录。这间窄小，不起眼，看似凌乱的书局拥有我童年的记忆和味道。每次走进这书局都仿佛回到了童年。感谢它的一成不变。老板们熟悉的面孔总让我感到安心，好像回到家的那种感觉。这是一般“现代”书局无法取代的。虽然光顾了20多年，却对老板们了解不多。直到今天，最后的一天，才鼓起勇气和他们稍稍的打开话匣子。似乎想以了解他们多一些来安慰自己。

老板娘问道 “你怎么不早几天来呢？今天都空空了。” 虽然我没告诉她，但心想 ”在这最后的一天才别具意义啊”。

老板娘解释，其实很多货品早已卖完，但因顾客要求，他们尽量补货，以折扣价卖给顾客，尽量满足。她的眼神隐约透露了自豪和感伤。

由于它一直都在，这些年来我越来越忽视它的存在。小时候，经常跑书局。随着长大上班就越来越少了。两个星期前获知他们要停业的消息，才感到分外不舍。人不都这样？总要等到失去才懂得珍惜。有时候，希望借由别人的裹足不前，一成不变来满足自己自私的虚荣心和依赖。

学着珍惜身边的人吧。

今天，我买了我经常买的自动铅笔笔心。做个纪念。同样的牌子，同样的老板，截然不同的氛围。

谢谢你。谢谢成为我童年回忆的一部分

怎么办

2011-04-15T10:49:00.001+08:00

当你爱上不该爱的人，该怎么办？

what can i do to make you love me?

2011-03-30T18:12:00.005+08:00

the worst reply is Nothing...

My Life My Rules

2011-03-09T01:57:00.003+08:00

Yes, I make it hard for people to understand me. Because I feel that people who ought to know me will 'know' me. It should be a given, without me having to speak out... or appear to be begging for attention. Why make it more miserable than it already is?

Don't give excuses about "you don't speak out", "we don't know what you are thinking". If you care enough, you will find ways to reach out... Or are you just afraid of getting too intimate with a freak like me?

Am I asking too much?

It's just so disappointing.

My Life My Rules.

Doctor's appointment

2011-03-02T20:33:00.007+08:00

The journey to the hospital. The waiting. The loneliness. The cold, hard, matter-of-fact looks on the medical staff's faces. The revelation of the scan results. The moment of truth... or whatever you call it.

Anxiety. Hope. Fear. Helplessness. Distrust. Denial - all rolled into one. Trying to stay rational, yet hoping I was more emotional.

Hoping I could let it all out by bursting into tears on the journey home, in the privacy of the car. That would have left me feeling better, I thought.

The car had become my new favourite on-the-go private space.

But nothing. As hard as I tried to indulge in self-pity, the tears welled behind my eyelids but I could squeeze nothing out. I couldn't comfort myself in the warmth of tears that should have flowed down the contours of my cheeks. Have I lost the ability to cry for myself?

"You should seriously consider it," said the doctor.

"What's the worst case scenario we talked about," he probed.

"It may explode anytime," I answered, void of emotions, except for that queer expression on my face that I tried to pass off as a smile. Perhaps, rupture would have been a more appropriate and technically-correct word to use.

He just stared at me, as if waiting for an answer from me. I just looked back, having nothing to say. He knew what my answer was and we kept it as that.

"It has gotten bigger..." blah blah and he proceeded to play a numbers 'n' alphabet game with the other doctor in the room. 6.2, 6.4, 6.6... interweaved with acronyms and jargons.

He went on to explain the case of another young man to me. A recent case. For this young man, it came too sudden, too late. He was alive after an emergency procedure but "he still had problems walking 6 months after".

This is blackmail... He wants me to do it now - That was the first thought on my mind. I won't succumb to it just yet.

"I will see you in three months time."

"Thank you, doctor."

I stretched my arm to reach for the handle when he spoke again.

"If you decide to do it earlier, you may arrange for an earlier appointment," he said stoically, or some may say professionally.

"Do inform Dr. T too for an early appointment if you do decide to do it. He may need to adjust your medicines."

He must have sensed the fear in me this time. He had never said these things during previous meetings when I told him I wasn't ready.

He knew that I knew... perhaps time really is running out for me. And my heart is hinting both of us.

Love & Other Drugs

2011-02-19T13:57:00.005+08:00

"You need someone to take care of you. Everybody does." - Jamie Randall

Don't we all do? Having been alone for all my life, it gets unbearably lonely sometimes. You just want someone to be there for you, to see you beyond the superficial, and to accept and appreciate you for whoever/whatever you truly are inside, or simply be interested in how your day was...

(I thank the love from my family for keeping my sane)

I used to think that I can get by alone, for the rest of my life, till I grow old and my hair turns white. I still have decades ahead of me to sort myself out... But a life trigger changed everything - the realization that my hair may never get to turn white... the realization that I may not have the luxury of growing old... the realization that every moment that I live & every breath that I take could be the last.. the realization that I don't want to die alone, without having loved and being loved back at least once in my life... how pathetic... Like Jamie, I've never said "I love you" to anyone... and like Maggie, I have no belief that I can promise a relationship that's fair for the other party. And worst of all, I believe that no one will ever love me... for all the insecurities and problems that I have. This "I'm unworthy" shit is slowly killing me inside.

Romantic, heartwarming, hopeful... perhaps that's how I would describe "Love & Other Drugs". But it's just a Hollywood fairy tale to me. Come on, that doesn't happen in real life... unless you look like Jake Gyllenhall.

Perhaps that's what I love about movies - for that 2hrs of my life, I can forget who I am and lose myself in the made-up characters on screen. For that 2 hrs, I can make-believe, I can role-play. I can tell myself - "yes, that's me". For that 2 hrs, I can be handsome and beautiful.

But when the movie is over, it leaves you high and dry. It leaves you sadder than you've ever been, but you want to do it again. It's a drug that's hard to quit, keeps you sane and drives you crazy at the same time.

Superskinny Me

2011-01-02T23:23:00.008+08:00

Prologue: I never thought I would blog about something so private. But this short break from work and life-changing triggers over the past two years have forced me to take some time off to think about my life and where I am heading. I know if I don't confront my past, I cannot face my future. If I don't confront myself, I cannot face the rest of the world. I need to be honest with myself, and be daring about it. What's more daring than sharing this on the www... and yet I can feel safe and secure behind the shield of my monitor.

I chanced upon a UK reality programme Supersize vs Superskinny. Watched a couple of episodes... think it helped me take baby steps in confronting my inner demons... my issues with self-esteem which I have tried to avoid for years. Kind of cathartic.

In season 3 episode 6, underweight Nick reveals how teasing and bullying in school has perhaps led to his quick-fix diet. He doesn't want strangers to stare at him eating - thinking they would be staring at his protruding teeth. Yet at the same time, like any young man, he wants to feel confident and be noticed. He wants to be as "manly" and as attractive as his bigger-built buddies...

Though the cause of being underweight may differ, his struggle resonates. I think I know exactly how he feels. The feeling of always being the freakshow... or the skinny unpopular guy standing in the corner of the room... the guy no one will take a second look at for the right reasons. The junior college years were perhaps the worst for me - the infant years of flirting, hormonal overdrive and sexual awakening. The years where anything can/should happen didn't happen for me. I was a lonely, insecure boy with low self-esteem. This carried on into my college years.

I've always been underweight. The tall, skinny one. I usually brush off comments made about my weight with self-mockery. I try to be strong by hiding behind the facade of humour - perhaps because it's the only way I know how to deal with it. I love photography because I like to capture beautiful things, but I hate to have photos taken of me. Because I usually end up seeing a hideous monster in the photos. I am not the image that I want/imagine myself to be... maybe the truth hurts too much and I would rather not face it. Things have improved over the years, and I have become more accepting of myself... but it's still a struggle. But I am slowly coping.

Because of my weight, I try to avoid body contact. My family has never had a culture of body contact. We don't hug, we don't do kisses on the cheeks (not since I went to kindergarten?), we don't even pat each other on the shoulders. The more it's lacking, the more I long for intimacy. But I feel so uncomfortable when someone puts his/her arm on my shoulder --- not because I detest body contact, but because I am disgusted with my own "bony-ness" and do not want the other party to feel/notice it. I am afriad he/she will turn around and say: "you feel disgusting". I once heard a girl say that she likes a broad shoulder to lean on. Subconciously, I think that statement may have scarred me - who would want to lean on a protruding and bony shoulder for comfort? Yet, I long for someone to touch me, to just hold me and tell me that it's OK. Ironic struggle, isn't it?

"But if I can't even convince myself, how can I believe that someone else will find it OK?"

That is also the reason I try to avoid body massages - the fear of someone touching my body and reminding me how disgustingly skinny I am.

I just want to be "normal" like anyone else. I will try to change if I can... but with my pre-existing medical condition, will I ever be normal? Can I ever be what I want to be?

It seems like no one understands. But after watching this reality programme, it gives me hope that I'm not alone in this.

Can someone just give me a hug now and tell me "I love you for the way you are"? I need a little of that.

2010

2010-12-31T21:52:00.004+08:00

2010 was the year:

I quit my job. It was the year... where fear ironically made me stronger. Fear taught me not to fear and to move on with life. Fear taught me to make the decision I was afraid of making - to quit my job and to move on to the next phase in life. I was afraid... afraid that no one will hire me because of my medical condition... but I knew I'd be trapped in a web if I didn't move on to something else. Despite the friendships I've built with my colleagues, my clients, my suppliers... I knew I had to move on. Fear trapped me but fear also liberated me because I was more fearful of getting stuck with the same old me. I need a new me. And I need it now. My decision to quit will soon be put to the test as I embark on a job hunt. Nothing but blind faith and confidence now! I have to start believing I am better than I think I am.

I pursued my interests. I took up photography. I bought myself a DSLR. I signed up for a photography course. I was fortunate to meet like-minded people who taught me so much about photography and life. I thank them for their open hearts, open minds and ability to infect me with optimism - and that's not an easy task. I completed an entrepreneurship course - meeting people from all walks of life, people whom I may never have met. I completed a wine appreciation course - finally I know cab sav is red while sav blanc is white. Although I still can't tell a cab sav apart from a shiraz... at least I can swirl the wine in my glass and look like a pro. I hope more of my closer friends start to pick up wine-drinking and we can appreciate wine together.

I had more time for - my parents, my grandmother, my nieces, my friends. Building a closer bond with my nieces was perhaps the most magical part of 2010. I finally feel I am family to them. They give new meaning to life. But I kinda realise I'm not the sort who can stay committed?

I lost my grandfather. A distant man who was beginning to be more approachable, more conversant... but more didn't seem to be enough. I'd always admired him for his "coolness" - the type who didn't have a care in the world. I guess he did care, just in ways that wasn't obvious to us. But after his passing, I feel I don't have enough memories of him. There wasn't enough memorable moments. It made me ponder if "coolness" was something I wanted in my life. Or do I want to keep sharing moments with people I care for? Ah Gong - a talented linguist who spoke Mandarin, English, Malay, Cantonese, Teochew; a "money person" who kept records of his finances and invested in funds without anyone's knowing; a man I respected, a man I wished I knew better.

I had my first surgical experience. It gave me a taste of what it felt like to be sick. The diagnosis, the tests, the preparation for surgery, the night before surgery, the wait, the operating theatre, the recovery, the medical bills, the follow-up. I had always thought I'd never land up in a hospital but reality is harsh. It was a taste of things to come, possibly, and sooner or later I may have to prepare myself for big test. But there's still so much to be done... I need time and I hope time will be there for me.

My mum no longer had to endure the misery and hardship of chemotheraphy. Cancer or not cancer - I think that is no longer that important for now. What's important is that she's a lot healthier and more alive that she used to be. She eats, she laughs, she gossips with gusto --- she's alive again. What I hope from her is for her to search for what she wants in life henceforth. I won't always be there for her and I hope she finds her own life soon. And of course, for her to stay healthy and strong.

Friends started getting married - Adrian, CaiXia, Aaron, Spencer, Zhengmin etc. My first experience as a "brother". Glad I could help and feel happy for Adrian and RQ. The coming-of-age phase in my life.

I will leave out all other negative thoughts, sad episodes and doubts. If I record them in this post, will I keep dwelling over them? Analysing them over and over again? I will also leave out the deep dark secrets... I'll leave them all behind me in the year 2010, until they come back to haunt me again... Learn from the past and look to the future. No matter how short my future may be, I need to make it work for myself. I still have regrets... but I still have some time to make up for it.. whatever little time is left*

*I can't help but end with a wee-bit of cynicism and pessimism. It's in my DNA.

Farewell 2010.

好想

2010-11-13T13:30:00.001+08:00

好想谈恋爱
好想十指紧扣
好想紧紧拥抱
好想对喜欢的人说"这是我们的歌"

但这样的我。。。有能力，有资格吗?

"Cross the t's" & dot the i's

2010-09-12T10:44:00.001+08:00

Another secret to be buried forever

2010-09-10T02:15:00.003+08:00

it 1st lvtd ltm rtgjtg

傻了。疯了。该清醒了。

2010-08-01T21:06:00.004+08:00

我傻了。我疯了。

我竟然。。。
我一直压抑着心中的欲望。累了。。。
心中的恶魔越来越不受控制。
我也不想这样。但是没有办法。
既然如此，为什么不可以?
既然要变态，就彻底的变态吧。。。
但是，我有勇气吗? 我愿意舍弃一切吗?
"好懦弱"

为什么我要的永远得不到?
"好无助"

你配吗? 人家当你是个屁。
醒醒吧。不要再自以为是。
你根本就不重要。
"好卑微"

我为什么总是那么微不足道?
我有那么恶心吗? 那么讨人厌吗?
"好可悲"

关心我的人，我感谢你。。。
但是，我要的不只是关心
时间对我来说太宝贵了。。。
我渴望轰轰烈烈
"好天真"

我傻了。我疯了。
该清醒了。该勇敢了。

哭

2010-03-25T21:08:00.001+08:00

上一次哭是什么时候?

是宣布我妈妈不能动手术的时候。是我阿公躺在病床上，呼吸困难的时候。是我阿公呼出他生命最后一口气的时候。是我一边看着无聊的电影，一边莫名掉下眼泪的时候?

Optimism

2010-03-21T13:06:00.003+08:00

Optimism... I try but sometimes it gets hard. And lonely. Perhaps it's easier to fall into the arms of depression and take it out on the entire world.

Survivor

2010-03-03T22:52:00.003+08:00

She told me she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in '95.

She survived and ran a full marathon.

Ever since she recovered, she had never cut her hair short again. Her hair is an emblem of her victory, her crowning glory. The longer her hair, the further away she feels from cancer.

It's been 15 years. She's a fighter, a survivor.

I hope my mum can be one too...

Life is simply life... It comes so that it goes. We complicate things and forget how simple it can be. We have such a big ego and feel so self-important that we forget to enjoy it.

Life is...

ARE YOU HAPPY WITH YOUR JOB?

2008-05-25T21:46:00.003+08:00

How did my parents endure working almost forty years at the same job? How did they endure going through the same mundane routine every single day? How did they...? I guess they did it for the family, for my sister and for me. They did it because they didn't have the luxury of choosing their jobs. Education is truly the key out of poverty and to progress and personal fulfillment. I am glad they did all they could to give me the chance to be educated - newfound respect and gratitude... And MAYBE, they managed to endure the mundane because their jobs do not define who they are. Their lives and their family do. The fear of going through the same old routine for the next 4 decades of my life scares me.

I do not regret my current job. In fact, I'm glad that I was given the chance and that I joined a small local setup and made the choice to enter an industry that I had always been curious about. Despite the relatively low pay, the constant "OT", some ridiculous restrictions at work, the sad truth about my company's "(un)creative" advertising strategies and my objection to some of my boss' plans for the company - the past year had been a great learning experience. At least I didnt' allow societal norms and other people's comments to dissuade me from trying it out. This job gave me considerable freedom to make many decisions on my own and to do things the way I want it. I'm going to miss that...

I just find that slowly... I'm beginning to lose a sense of who I am and I can't allow my job to define who I am. Life can't just be about work - at least that's my mindset for now. At 26, I feel that I need to venture out. I feel that I'm already lagging behind my peers. I need to see what is out there. I need to experience more. I need some time to find myself again.

I guess it's time to move on now... Or to slow down.... Or to redefine who I am... Whatever you call it.... Whatever happens, happens. Cheers to the surprises that tomorrow brings!

Poor Me - A Chinese Bastard

2008-04-19T21:24:00.004+08:00

Can't believe someone just f***ed me on my own blog and called me a "Chinese Bastard".

Whoever you are - DUDE - I feel sorry for you... But if lashing out vulgarities at me online makes you feel better and more pyschologically "balanced" in the real world, then so be it. My sympathies for you.

我为你祈祷。。。

25岁单身王老五的人生观

2008-01-19T19:00:00.000+08:00

最近，总觉得自己好空虚、寂默。我本以为我寂默惯了，就算一人独处也没关系。但是，渐渐地，我发觉我可能永远都不会习惯或享受寂默独处的感觉。

生命的意义是什么？除了工作，我好象什么都没有了。就算是在事业的道路上，我也走得很迷惘，似乎迷失了方向。这可能就是我怀念校园生活的原因。学生时代的我好象拥有更多，希望也更大。渐渐地，希望好象一一破灭。

朋友也都“长大”了，都在为自己的将来冲刺，为自己的幸福规划。朋友也只（能〕是朋友，能放在你身上的时间和心思只能那么多，而这时间和心思务必会随着时间而减少。朋友啊。。。

25岁的我再也不能对身边的一切视而不见。姐姐已结婚生子，成家立业了。我还能放任自己幼稚下去吗？这社会能接收幼稚的我吗？看着40多岁的同事孤家寡人，心里难免有点惶恐，害怕自己落得同样下场。这不代表我对“孤家寡人”有任何主观的意见。这是个人选择。但这不是我想要的未来。可是，我适合除了“一人独处”以外的生活模式吗？我能想象60多岁而单身的我是个变态的独居老人。其实，这画面还蛮好笑的。

到头来，人与人之间就只是利益关系吗？

我能达到的，我不想要。我想达到的却永远离我那么遥远。我可能就是那么喜欢折磨自己。离变态老人的目标不遥远了。。。

我现在最需要的是解放！我不要悲观！

黑色幽默

2008-01-13T23:45:00.000+08:00

词/曲：周杰伦

难过是因为闷了很久
是因为想了太多
是心理起了作用
你说苦笑常常陪著你
在一起有点勉强
该不该现在休了我

不想太多我想一定是我听错弄错搞错
拜托我想是你的脑袋有问题
随便说说其实我早已经猜透看透不想多说
只是我怕眼泪撑不住

不懂你的黑色幽默
想通却又再考倒我
说散你想很久了吧
我不想拆穿你
当作是你开的玩笑
想通却又再考倒我
说散你想很久了吧
败给你的黑色幽默

黑色幽默－ Still my favourite Jay Chou track. This song hits a chord so directly. Not as pretentious as some of his later works.

人生不就充满着黑色幽默，让人哭笑不得。就算笑，也不免感到愧疚自己。

当你开的玩笑，我已不能乐在其中。当笑话建筑在我的痛苦上，一切再也不是一个幽默的笑话。不好笑，也不好玩。

07' A year of transitions

2008-01-06T18:08:00.000+08:00

It's 2008. Time to get a grip of my life... Feel that I'm starting to lose the plot.

2007 has been a year of transitions (for better or for worse):
Student TO Working "Adult"
Brother TO "Uncle" of my sister's newborn
Friend to my friends TO friend to my friends who are newly-weds
Skinny TO Skinnier Still

The Status Quo?:
Single, Singler, Singlest

Attended 2 weddings towards the end of '07 - Kartik's Big Fat Indian Wedding and Wenfu's Sweert Holy Matrimony. There goes two big fat ang-baos out of the window. Despite that cynical comment, my sincere and best wishes to the new couples.

Kartik and his bride

Traditional ceremony held at Sri Mariamman Temple

Didn't bring my camera to Wenfu's wedding. But you can imagine one of those saccharine sweet weddings - flowers, photo collage, video, groom serenaing the bride, kisses, etc... Was a good chance to catch up with old classmates. We could also eat without reservations, unlike one of those awkward wedding dinners where everyone is a stranger at the table.

The biggest turning point - I became an UNCLE on Nov 30th 2007. My niece turned one-month old last weekend.

My precious niece, Glynys, who was oblivious to the preparations that were going on around her.

She got the entire family excited about life again... Thank you for coming into our lives.

As for the last day of 2007, Thanks to those who were there with me. You know who you are.

OK. Feeling kinda tired. Till the next blog...

花好月圆

2007-09-26T22:06:00.000+08:00

十五的月亮哪有十六的圆。

好美的月，好美的夜。

What's a "good" career option?

2007-09-17T00:00:00.000+08:00

Over the weekend, the "career" issue popped up again. Again, I had people questioning my decision to join this local ,"unknown" advertising firm, located at the other end of the island, which pays me peanuts, no OT pay, requires long hours of work (includes working one Saturday every month) and have close to zero employee welfare/ benefits. I had convinced myself in the beginning that advertising was where my passion lies, and that my current job would equip me with the right tools for a successful career in advertising and eventually a jump to the big boys - leading to international exposure etc - and eventually leading to the big bucks. I was willing to forsake all practicalities for now, for the pursuit of passion. I thought it was a very brave and "unSingaporean" thing to do. I felt so gungho, felt like a rebel that's so lacking in Singapore nowadays.

But suddenly, a part of me feels otherwise now. I feel drained. A point where passion no longer suffice, where practicality and the need to make a practical career choice sets in. Where am I heading in this? I want to be somewhere where I hit 35. I need to know where I'm heading. Why did I study so many years for? I am having doubts about my so-called "creativity" when my ideas don't seem to sit well with my boss - "Your idea is not bad, but it won't sell..." Maybe I ain't as "creative" as I think I am and maybe I just don't cut it in this business. Maybe I have all these crazy ideas that just won't work. Or maybe, this is just the wrong company to work for. Suddenly, it doesn't seem that worth it to pursue this passion when my idea of creative advertising just doesn't seem to apply locally.

It isn't the first time that the boss asks for our opinions but end up doing what he had intended to in the first place. You give him 101 million suggestions and he ends up deciding on his own initial idea. He is a marketing person more than an advertising person. And that's the way he runs his business. No marketing angle? - then the creative idea is useless. And he always thinks he knows better - which can be sickeningly true most of the time. Creativity is side-stepped if it means too much time, too much effort, too little profit. The preferred mode is cut-and-paste techniques that saves time, reduces effort and churns out results. It's not to say that there's no creative freedom at all. But it's always an uphill task convincing the boss about the idea behind the concept and why it will work - most of the time it gets thrown out of the window. That's the truth about local advertising - copy & paste, safe, or simply just doing layout for ideas conceptualized overseas. Or maybe I just need more exposure to know if it's like this everywhere...

But still, there are aspects of the job that keeps me going. I love it when I come up with ideas that I think are fantastic and are eventually chosen. It always good to see your ideas become reality and seeing the end product does give you a sense of satisfaction. But a career as an account exec? -- I'm not so sure about that anymore. As I progress, I'm sure I'll be pulled out of creative conceptualisation and have more direct dealings with clients. I think I prefer the creative side of advertising.

Sometimes, I can be quite insistent but I find myself losing that determination to pitch for my ideas because it just means OT and anyway my boss ends up using his own idea at the end of the day. I also find myself losing "creativity" because I have no time for a "proper" life. How can you have creativity when you don't have a life? A vicious cycle - no life - no creativity - cut and paste advertising.

I choose to think that my command of language is way better than my boss' (not that mine very powderful, just that his is not bery good lah). It's always a struggle when he tells you that your tagline doesn't capture the essence and he ends up writing something that sounds way off and grammatically unsound. At that moment, the only thought that pops up in my head is "WTF!"

The TVC production held on Tuesday was the saving grace of the week. Really enjoyed getting involved in the production. But I was made to leave the film set halfway because my boss wanted me to go back to the office to "coordinate stuff". Felt that I was short-changed of a full TVC production experience - from conceptualisation to post-production. I was included and left-out, as and when he felt it wasn't "necessary" for me to be there at that point in time.

OK lah. See how the week goes lah. Have so much more to whine about lah. Hope this will be a better week than the last lah.

New Look

2007-08-28T23:35:00.000+08:00

Wanted a fresh look for my blog. Know next-to-nothing about HTML, so just used a blogspot template instead. Stupid me anyhow click and lost all the previous customizations. Had to re-add all the stuff like music, flickr, tag-board. Now my tag board looks so empty.

Just got tired of the black look of the previous blog. Need some colours and brightness in my life right now. Not very satisfied with this preset blog template, but at least it's a change. Can somebody teach me how to add youtube vids to my blog entry?

Havent had the mood to update my blog. No apparent reason. Just feel there's nothing worthwhile to blog about. Too lazy to use my brains, too lazy to use my hands to type. Feel so drained from work everyday. Irritating zits on face just won't go away. Desperately need some exercise and a suntan.

OK. Tired of typing liao. Go watch TV liao. Going to sleep in an hour's time liao. Wake up go to work tomorrow liao. Will whine about some "episodes" in my life when in the mood. Now, no mood liao...

Long entry after trying weekend and 1st day at work...

2007-06-18T22:06:00.000+08:00

Feeling really tired right now, even though I didn't do much at work today except for shadowing my boss. But the information I had to absorb was overwhelming - information overload... But it sure was enriching and gave me a good picture on what the advertising industry was all about.

Now, I understand why some advertising companies or media companies in general are so reluctant to open their doors to students from CNM. A degree in CNM gives us good depth and breadth in media studies, critical thinking skills and research methods, but what's essentially lacking is training students on the technicalities and know-hows of the industry. I now begin to understand why an internship programme with media companies is so crucial for any student intending to venture into the industry. Only into my first hour at work, I was lost in all the acronyms and industry jargons... catch no ball at all loh. Even though I essentially didn't do any tangible work today, I knocked off at 7.20pm... It all felt like The Devil Meets Prada... Except my boss is so much more an angel... Don't know about the clients though. haahaa!

Today's experience has left me both excited and hesitant about taking this up as a permanent job.

Excited because it's such a vibrant and fluid job where anything can happen. You have to be alert and on-the-ball 24/7 because mistakes are costly. You are constantly being challenged. I do want to challenge myself while I'm still young.

Hesitant because I have self-doubt. Am I really cut out for it? It is worth it? Should I just get a comfortable desk job with more stable working and lunch hours?? In the media industry, my honours degree essentially means nothing. Will discuss something with my boss tomorrow that might essentially jeapordise the situation but I think I have to speak my mind... Wish me luck!!!

Now to Famine Camp... I am so glad that I participated in the 30-hr Famine. I had initially regretted my decision to sign up as I begin to feel lazy as the week progressed and had wanted to enjoy my last weekend slacking before starting work today. But I am so glad I made the decision to go through with it, in accordance to what I had promised myself. Also made some friends and had fun feeling young among the teenagers. As I took attendance for the campers, it hit me that I am really "old" now. Some of their IC numbers began with 90 or 91. Mine begins with 82 :(. I might not feel it, but to them, I am "OLD". But I like that feeling of never feeling old.. Get what I mean? Hope the campers was OK with the way I led them and hopefully I managed to affect them in a positive way...

Amidst all the positive energy, there were some aspects of the camp that left me disappointed.
I have to admit that kids today are really clever. They pick up information and skills really fast. They are also very witty (sometimes too witty for their own good). But they can also be too individualistic and give up too easily. A little "hardship" and they are quick to give up... Am I like them?? Maybe I am. I don't know. It's hard to "see" yourself sometimes. It became clear during the newspaper collection that some weren't ready to put in that little bit more effort for charity. All that discussion about poverty and helping the poor quickly dissolved. They succumbed to hunger and fatique. But there were some who set out to do what they promised. At such a young age, I respect these youths.

I was also disappointed in some of the camp facilitators. These were all adults are at least 20 years old. You signed up voluntarily - so quit complaining. There were so many complains -- I don't want to sleep with the campers, I don't want to sleep in the hall, I don't want to sleep on the floor, I can't wait till everything is over and my burger arrives ... Why did you sign up in the first place? I don't get it. There was this other guy who, in my opinion, was a bad example to the youths. While a guest-speaker was addressing the campers, he was chatting with one camper -- not sure if he was trying to flirt-- and talking about his scholarship , studying in the UK and his escapades in Europe... Kaoz. So much for an SAF scholar... Reinforced my bad impression of SAF scholars. We're depending on them to defend our country???

But I have to say that these black sheeps are a very small minority. The majority of facilitators were people with really big hearts who cared about real problems happening around us... I am glad to have met some of them. As someone who is slow to warm up to people, I only wish I had been more gregarious and conversed more with some of them. 30-hour Famine Rocks!!!

Random thoughts

2007-06-12T22:19:00.000+08:00

Am just too lazy to post entries of my Vietnam escapade as promised. Maybe I will get on to it at a later time - when the urge to do it comes back to me. But I really had lots of fun in Vietnam - thanks to Den and Melicca for making it possible. (Haha... First world kids with third world dreams... )It's a pity that it's my one and only "grad" trip. Had so many destinations planned but no one to go with :(

Just read this article in the lastest issues of TIME ASIA - "Bill Gates Goes Back to School". Just love the way the writer, Lev Grossman, wrote the article. The way he weaved in and out of an engaging piece using humour, pun and wit, yet retaining intelligence and clarity at the same time. Wish I could write like that...

Memorable quote:
"It is the destiny of revolutionaries - the successful ones, anyway - to end their careers as part of the Establishment they once sought to overthrow."
Food for thought here...

TCO made it to ST on saturday as part of the citizen journalism special. The Good - Nationwide exposure, free publicity. The Bad - Didn't like the way the headline was phrased "Only serious issues for NUS online paper" and didn't like the way TCO was portrayed. Hope the second generation TCO team can bear in mind why TCO was started in the first place - its objectives, its mission, its ideals... If we turn the other way now, all that we wanted it to be and all that we worked for would be lost.

Will be reporting for work on Monday. Work will put an end to my post-grad "holidays". I wish I could have had a longer break but it hasn't been that meaningful anyway. Had so many things planned in my mind but didn't get to do them. There are so many places I want to travel to... I have to admit it can be daunting sometimes to know that you've graduated and you're now expected to "grow up". But I never want to grow up. And at the age of 25, it feels like the pressure is on. You no longer have school or education as an excuse.

Can't help but feel so alone sometimes... Have to admit that maybe I can't just live in isolation... Well, that's another blog entry for another time...

Pretenders - I'll Stand By You

2007-05-25T18:38:00.001+08:00

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
Cause I've seen the dark side too

When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

So if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you
When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
Cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

And when...When the night falls on you, baby
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

我在这里等待。。。等待你的出现。。。

It's official

2007-05-25T17:46:00.002+08:00

It's official. Results were released today. I will be graduating this July.

Results are good, except for my thesis for which I scored a B. I kinda expected it to score within the B range but a B+ would've been so much more encouraging. But I guess to the assessors, my thesis looked more like a long ISM than a full-bloom thesis.

Although my supervisor assured me that length didn't matter and that the quality of my work was aight, I knew it fell short of the dept's expectations and criteria. I could easily blame my supervisor. He was new to the dept (I was his first thesis student), he didn't know about the dept's thesis criteria, he didn't guide me on the crucial points in writing a good thesis, etc... But I know I have only myself to blame.

It was an independent research to begin with. I was the one who's supposed to do all the research and work. But I was lazy at times. I didn't even bother to check out the theses of previous batches for reference until the final crucial moments. My word count fell really short and the quality of my work could not make up for it.

It just sucks to know that you didn't do well for your thesis, especially when your work will be presented at an upcoming conference. Just kinda feel like my work did not gain recognition and validation from the dept. Leaves a sense of regret that more could've been done and I hate that feeling. It's kinda embarrassing for me now because I no longer feel that my work is worthy enough to be presented at a conference. But all is set in stone now.

Okaez, enough of whining and indulgence in self-pity. Time to move on with life and enjoy the rest of my super-long holidays. There are so many things to be done. To freedom and to slackness...

Xin Chao - Back from Vietnam

2007-05-15T11:46:00.000+08:00

Xin Chao (Greetings in Vietnamese)

I'm still peeling and shedding skin like a snake from the sunburn in Vietnam.

Will post some entries on my 10-day Vietnam escapade when I get all the pics.

In Loving Memory

2007-04-20T23:24:00.000+08:00

To the family and friends of those who passed away at Virginia Tech... May this never happen again.

It's about time no more

2007-04-04T22:31:00.001+08:00

Last trip to Mayflower Secondary today. Time does fly by. Just when you feel that a rapport is built and when you are getting used to travelling to AMK every week, it all comes to an end - almost without a warning. But we (the team) should be glad that we managed to, at least, touch a few hearts, change a few mindsets and make a difference to a few lives. OK, Maybe I'm exaggerating. But I do feel we made an impact, to whatever little extent, at PDP - at least for those whom we had more chances to interact with.

But I feel we should have done better and thought through our activities more. We did good for a first attempt, but I just feel that this last session should have been better. We shouldn't have pushed the burden of the activities to Steven. We should have catered the salads more to the teenagers' taste. We should have made it more relevant to their lives. But should-haves are history... And we forgot to thank Steven for all the prep and work.

But this journey with the team has been nothing short of fantastic. It's one of the few projects where I have fun doing work. It's one of the few projects where you feel something is really done - something that connects, something that you can take with you, something that affects real people. real events, real spaces - not just a project with words put together and really doesn't mean anything at the end of the day. It will be a chapter of my NUS life. Thank you team... We'd better keep in touch after graduation as I try frantically to fit into the mould of this society. Hope I don't lose myself in the process.

After this experience and the YEP to Philippines, I just kinda feel that I am enjoying interactions with youths. Doing something that makes a change. Perhaps it could be something I wanna consider for a career? Hmm... High pay & sucky job OR low pay & something I really like... Let's just see what happens. Let me get through the month of April first. Staying positive for now...

Counting down to the thesis deadline

2007-04-02T02:35:00.000+08:00

Before you expect this to be some intellectual entry, be warned that it is nothing short of boring, shallow and documentative.

It's now 40 minutes past 2 a.m. on the morning of April 2, 2007. My honours thesis will be due in around 14 hours. Hope the binding went well... We shall see how it looks when I collect it later today. Didn't do a good job with it and don't think I put in as much effort as the rest of my friends who appeared to be utterly devoted to their thesis. After much self-reflection, I think I paid more lip service than the actual work I put into it. That is beside tha fact that I did a sloppy job with citations and references. You reap what you sow... Don't expect a miracle.

With thesis out of the way, it's a load off my shoulders. Right after sending it for binding, I headed to down to BK and indulged in a Mushroom Swiss Double Meal. Heavenly, divine, sinfully creamy... It's always a pleasure to enjoy junk food when you feel really tired or stressed out! I guess junk-food therapy works for me. I also realised that the regular coke at BK has shrunk in size. The regular at BK used to be the same size as the medium at Mac's... Not anymore.

Was suppose to celebrate Sam's birthday over lunch today but the birthday boy wasn't there. ??? Tucked in to Manhattan's Fish Market, the lesser twin of Fish&Co. Can't say it's good. I would give it 3/5 stars. Kinda disappointing actually... As usual, ended up playing mahjong after lunch. It seems to be the only activity, apart from dinner, that we do everytime we meet up. Because of that, I have committed myself to another sleepless night tomorrow as I have project work and subtitling to be completed by Tuesday. Have to work through the night again! And that cup of Yuanyang I had just now at Hong Kong cafe is sort of keeping me up. Boy, do I love to torture myself!

I'm glad to find out that Elaine Chew linked TCO and my article of her performance on her official website. Yeah! Hope people read it. More exposure for me and for TCO. At least, I tried to leave TCO with a bang!

MNO meeting over MSN was screwed up. Nobody was participating in it, except for the few of us. Nobody was interested to know what still needed to be done. Come on, when it needs to be done, suck your thumb and do it!!! The report and presentation are due tomorrrow! and you expect the project to be do itself and show up in class all edited and ready tomorrow?!! OK, I don't I haven't been exactly on the ball to begin with and all of you have contributed to your parts. But still, a little more effort would have been appreciated.

Can't wait for the semester to end and get on with the stuff that I want to do before I start work and sell myself to the slavery of society. But I know I will surely miss all this... sleeping late, waking up late, skipping lessons, Campus Observer, talking cock with friends, student discounts, long holidays, cheap food in school, cheap lessons, whinning about school work and everything about being a student. Also, not getting called up for reservice and IPPT. It will soon be time to let it all go... I dunno if I'm ready for that - being the immature kid that I am. Feel the anxiety grow stronger everyday and feel so lonely sometimes.

One step at a time... One step at a time...

Happy Daez

2007-03-11T23:57:00.000+08:00

I don't know why, but a new-found optimism has started to set in lately. Not that everything is all rosy and nice at the moment. But yet, something lingers inside, telling me and informing me about my right to be confident and proud of who I am... Warning: Sustainabilty - Hope this optimism lasts for the rest of the year.

I think the project work with the kids of Mayflower Secondary School has done me some good. Make me empowered, make me feel that I can make a change, make me feel I can make a difference, make me feel young again... All the work we go through week-in and week-out, but I feel it shall all be worth it at the end of the day. I really hope that what we do would be meaningful for the kids. Hard work it might be - but I'm actually enjoying the process. A big shout-out to all my fantastic team members - fantastic rapport, support and friendship (+ plus some of my crappiness).

Ethics class might have made me hate philosophy, but a small dosage of philosophy is always good for anyone. Opens your mind. Makes you rethink about the life you live in. Makes you re-assess your own significance in the world. Trying not to get too existential here. Hate it but glad I know more about it.

The Bad:

Thesis to go - unmotivated to even open the word doc. to look at it. But it has to be done. But like I always say: There's always tomorrow right? Hope I work it out by this week.

Lack of exercise: I need to move my body + I want a tan. Will squeeze time out to visit the pool or do some running this week.

Lack of sleep: Slept without a alarm clock beside my bed for the past two days. Hope that makes up for the inadequate amount of sleep for the past week.

Kept in the dark. My MNO teammates had a meeting last Friday and I wasn't informed... Apparently, someone tried calling me on my mobile on Friday but I didn't pick up? Huh? The meeting was on Friday and you call me only on Friday? Can't you drop me an SMS? Presentation is tomorrow and they are meeting at 12 pm tomorrow to run through the programme. I wasn't informed (again) until late this evening. I don't know what's happening but I keep getting left in the dark for the class. I'm an outcast? What did I do wrong? Whatever!... I just do what I have to

The Good:

Dinner with the CNM peeps. Really good to see all of them again. Don't get to see most of them since I'm in my fourth year. Things might not have been all lovey-dovey for the past year, but looking back, I do treasure these people.

Ali's B'day dinner and "Music and Lyrics" (unexpectedly nice show): Sorry, no present for you yet. Give me some time. Trust me... this will be a good year for you. Love, career, cash... Don't worry - I will always be older than you. So you can't be that old. And I will always be younger than Marcus. So we can't be that old either.

(Wanted to put your B'day pic here but I lost the cable from my handphone to the comp.)

Ok lah. Nothing else to say liao. Hope I wake up on the right side of bed tomorrow and everything will be as smooth as tofu...

Making and Breaking the New Year

2007-02-21T01:26:00.000+08:00

It's only the third day of Chinese New Year and I've already done something that I'd regret for the whole year. - Great JOb Mr. Dunno When to Shut Your Mouth!

It just reminds again how I need to learn when to shut my mouth, when to be sensitive and be less evil. I'm truly sorry but I don't know how or if I should say that to you. I hope you will really forgive me. No one was making fun nor did we do it on purpose. I'm SORRY! I am sorry if I have hurt you in any way, Auntie. Hopefully, when you wake up tomorrow, everything that happened will be history. Remember - we are family and we all care for you.

On the more (positive) aspect of things...

Chinese New Year celebrations hasn't been as dreadful as I had cynically expected it to be. I could even say it was Aight!! - a time for rebuilding ties and bonds, regardless of how superficial they might be... it's better than nothing. Plus, all the food!!... I would even say I kinda enjoyed CNY - minus all the sitting around at relative's place doing nothing.

The Ang Baos this year are also significantly "fatter" than last year's. heehee!

Gambling is also one of the most anticipated CNY activities. It's a good excuse for bonding, seriously. It's always a grand sight to have more than 10 family members getting around a table for a game of blackjack. Plus it's a chance to make some extra bucks too. However, the year of the PIG doesn't seem to be a good gambling year for me. Play what, lose what. Usually I very Heng during CNY, but not this time round.

Of course, there are the routine CNY questions that I dread : "Why didn't you bring your girlfriend along? I was expecting you to. Next year must bring OK?" As usual, I feel myself being redefined as a dysfunctional family member, even a loser. It sucks but it will only get worse when I grow older. With less counterparts remaining single...

As for my sister, the inevitable question directed to her was - When are you going to have a baby? Arghh!!! But the pain was instant and short-lived as the topic was quickly diverted to something else.

This year, CNY had to coincide with the school term break - Sucks. Less time for play and even less time for study and catching up, with all the work piled up on me.

Things to do
- Thesis draft (to be done by Thursday)
- Readings, in preparation for project meeting (to be done by Thursday)
- Arts Fest sched in preparation for TCO meeting (to be done by Thursday)
- Meetings scheduled for Thursday ( 11am - meet thesis supervisor, 12 pm - Social Change project meeting, 2 pm TCO meeting, 4 pm - Ethics project meeting)
- 2 episodes of The Hospital for subtitling and time-coding
- 2 outstanding article to be edited for TCO

The thought of it all makes me want to puke. To think that I still have the luxury and time of posting this blog. Ahh... Time is the one thing that I can never own. But still, everything can wait till tomorrow right?

Life goes on. Hoping for a betting tomorrow.

Let me save the rest of my cynicism and spiteful whining for another day.

Set Me Free...

2007-02-08T00:13:00.000+08:00

Letting go of the "important" things in life

2007-02-05T23:33:00.000+08:00

Sometime last week or two weeks ago, Adrianne, an exchange student from US asked me why another classmate of mine wasn't in class that day. That dialogue just kept appearing in my mind, as if to remind me of something.

Adrianne: Is Steven in class today?
Me: Don't think so. Maybe he is busy with something.
Adrianne: Isn't the true that Singaporean students never skip lessons?
Me: Is that your impression of Singapore? Where did you get the impression?
Adrianne: Right here at NUS...

Is this something that I, as a Singaporean student, should be proud of? Should I have responded - "Yes, that's the way it is and I'm proud of it" or should I have said "Come on, we're not as nerdy or as obsessed with academics as you think we are." I think the true tinkling within me lied somewhere in the middle. I said nothing to her in reply.

Is it true? Am I one of those academically driven nerds without a life or mind of my own? In terms of academic performance, I have outdone the expectations I had for myself in university. I am comfortably within the CAP range that I want to be in. It's my last semester in school- shouldn't I try to enjoy and experience Uni life to the fullest. Why shouldn't I give myself a break and slack? It isn't just about making the grades right?

But I am so imbued with the system, so hooked unto it, I find it hard to release myself from it even at times when I really feel like letting it all go. I think I shouldn't work so hard for grades - what's the point? My CAP won't differ much. I really dislike some of the lectures I have. I don't want to spend my last semester drowned in academic work.

But it's like an obssessive and frantic race for good grades. It's about outdoing the rest. It's about self-affirmation - that I can be good at something. It's about obligations and duty as a student - whatever that means. It's about doing as you're told and not stepping out of the box - so many activities are performed within the confines of boxes in this country. It's this obssession to do well in everything that I do, as if to prove something to myself and others. It's about showing to people that I can do it, as if to make up for a lack elsewhere.

But where am I in the middle of all this? Does my work and image define who I am?

Is this the way of life, especially in Singapore? A constant struggle to prioritise the "important" things? Work before play always? Is there no value on play here? What is "right" and what is "wrong"?

Life is just a painful process of internal struggles...

Maybe it's time to learn to let go of the "important" things in life and re-define importance.

都是我

2007-01-14T23:33:00.000+08:00

最近爱上了梁咏琪的“原来爱情这么伤”。虽然，我会把它列入K歌的行列中，它却是一首触动人心的歌。梁咏琪的歌声和唱法太适合这首歌了。歌词也写得不错。

词曲：彭学斌

我睁开眼睛却感觉不到天亮东西吃一半莫名其妙哭一场

我忍住不想时间变得更漫长也与你有关否则又开始胡思乱想

我日月无光忙得不知所以然找朋友交谈其实全帮不上忙

以为会习惯有你在才是习惯你曾住在我心上现在空了一个地方

原来爱情这么伤比想像中还难

泪水总是不听话幸福躲起来不声不响

太多道理太牵强道理全是一样

说的时候很简单爱上后却阵脚大乱

我日月无光忙得不知所以然找朋友交谈其实全帮不上忙

以为会习惯有你在才是习惯你曾住在我心上现在空了一个地方

原来爱情这么伤比想像中还难

泪水总是不听话幸福躲起来不声不响

太多道理太牵强道理全是一样

说的时候很简单爱上后却阵脚大乱

只想变得坚强强到能够去忘无所谓悲伤只要学会抵抗

原来爱情这么伤原来爱情是这样这样峰回路转

泪水明明流不干瞎了眼还要再爱一趟

有一天终于打完思念的一场战

回过头再看一看原来爱情那么伤

下次还会不会这样。。。
－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

我读书生涯的最后一个学期开始了。有点厌倦，有点喜悦，有点累。。。我知道我会怀念这悠闲的日子。每天在我耳边围绕的总是这几个问题： “你毕业后，想做什么？”, “你开始找工作了没有？” 我真的不晓得怎么回答，因为我也不知道我要做什么。或者是，我不知道我适合或能够做什么。等我毕业时，我将会站在人生的十字路口。到时候，我必定要做个决择。不过，现在的我不想想太多。我只想好好的享受当学生的生活。我在逃避现实。我现在不想去面对未来的事。也许，我还是个害怕长大的幼稚鬼吧。

每当夜深人静而睡不着时，我都会不由自主的自我反醒一番。我会评估我的人身－－我的优点，我的缺点，我的失败。我的欢笑，我的悲伤，我的苦与乐。我的过去，我的未来，我的寂默。

真希望自己的人生不是如此的乏味，这么的寂默难耐。如果我开朗一点，就不会给别人那么大的距离感，也就不会那么尖酸刻薄了。有时候，真希望自己是个万人迷。因为当万人迷的好处和方便实在太多了。如果我帅一点，很多事情就不需要这么难，这么痛苦了。这社会就是那么的肤浅和现实。也因为这样，我也变得有点肤浅和现实。有时候，强颜欢笑真的太累人了。而我最憎恨的是，有些事情是我无法控制和掌控的。

我会问我自己： “为什么别人轻易得到的，我却得那么的努力耕耘。有时候，我甚至永远都无法得到？” “难道我的生命注定有缺陷和遗憾？” “我的人身是否因此而失败？” 我有点筋疲力尽的感觉。做事情总是打不起精神，没有热诚。

我厌倦一个人的生活。但是，我又害怕打开心房。谁会爱上像我这样的一个人？再这样下去，我真的害怕我老的时候会变成一个孤苦伶仃的老变态。我现在已经够变态了。

当太阳升起，又是新的一天。一切也只好顺其自然，听天由命。也许，人生要一步一步走才不会觉得太痛苦。

2007

2007-01-01T22:19:00.000+08:00

It's been half a year since I visited or written anything on this blog. Back then, I felt that I should have grown out of the "blogging" phase. But perhaps, I do need this blog once in a while. There are just things that you can't tell anyone verbally, but you do want someone to know ... Get what I mean?

I never expected Shaw to still read my blog (although that was in Oct). Thanks for your comment Shaw. I too miss those "brainless" cadets days when all you had to do was to follow instructions and do them with a bunch of buddies who are in the same shit as you! Time does fly and we've ORDed for about 4 years now. And soon we shall graduate, get that piece of paper and submit ourselves to the slavery of society.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Headed down to Siloso Beach for New Year Countdown yesterday. Haven't been to a beach countdown before and decided to go since Alicia got us free VIP passes. Can't remember when was the last time I went to a proper countdown party... Can't remember when was the last time I truly enjoyed myself...

Last night was the first time I got to the brink of getting drunk. And perhaps I had the intention of getting drunk and just lose myself for a night. Not a very good drinker, I started getting high after a few rounds of free flow beer. One hour before the clock struck 12, we headed back to the VIP area where we had seats and a clearer view of the stage. Once I sat down, I didn't want to get up anymore. While everyone was standing up and counting down to the new year, I was swaying my shoulders to the beat of the music like an old man with my bottoms glued to my seat. My head felt heavy and I didn't want to stand up.

But it didn't take me long to realise that Dennis Keller was sitting behind me. And I vaguely remember a few malay ladies standing around me during the countdown. I said "Happy New Year" to no one - What a good way to start a new year! Or did I...?

Then it came. I felt my stomach acid travelling up my throat. I was sober enough to realise that the last thing I wanted for the new year was to disgrace myself by vomitting in the VIP area. I could walk straight but my legs felt light as feather. Icoolly made my way to the nearest tree that was out of sight to the VIP area and vomited. But it was cool and liberating not to give a shit about the people staring at you as you embarrass yourself in public.

I then made my way back to the VIP area and resumed sitting there and swaying to the beat like a senile old man. Not long after, we headed back to the resort room that we had booked. I felt kind of bummed out then, but honestly still conscious. We gathered around the beds and talked cock. Then, I decided to take a nap. Later, the guys decided to head back to the beach for the foam party. I had wanted to go as part of my countdown plan, but I was too comfortable in my sleeping position to get up. And that was how my countdown ended- sleeping alone in the darkness of a resort room feeling sick from the beer.

I should have joined them for the foam party. I should have gotten drunk and not felt sick. I shouldn't have just drunk beer. I should have lost myself during the last night of 2006 having been so rigid and strict with myself all year. But should-haves are all left behind in 2006 now. I guess the party was good enough since everyone had fun and I had "some" fun.

Let's look forward to a different 2007.

Having weird thoughts again

2006-08-05T00:44:00.000+08:00

I can't believe I'm back to blogging. Haven't touched this blog for months. I'd thought I would never blog again - it was a thing of a past and I wasn't going to share my inner feelings on the www ever again. But here I am blogging again. What a loser... So typical of me - Never sticking to what I had promised myself. Just needed some place to put these words down...

Mahjong has been called off and here I am alone at home with everyone else asleep. On my lonely journey back on the bus, my mind just went crazy thinking about my life- what it has been, what it will be and most importantly what it might never be. I looked myself in the mirror and it was as though I saw this hideous creature that should have stayed at home in the first place. I should have known better.

I look at the long list of names on my MSN. Seems like I have a lot of friends. But how do you define a friend? Is there someone I can turn to and trust, and to lend a listening ear? The feeling of being that invisible man and a spare tyre started coming back again. I am never the most important in anybody's life, except for my parents perhaps and I love them for that. I'm just the man that happens to be there - the entertainer, the loser. Mostly, I am the one that people can do without. Did I do that to myself? I guess that's why people need love- someone who really listens, someone to lend support, someone to protect, someone to hold, someone to kiss, someone to talk to, someone who understands, someone who appreciates, someone you can give your life to... But how will someone like me when I don't even like myself? I'm so pathetic.

Frankly, I don't know what I want from people anymore. I just want to escape... but there is no escape, is there?

Who says we don't care?

2006-04-30T23:02:00.000+08:00

Agrhh... Chealsea are Champions for a second season running. And they beat Man U 3-0 at home. WTF! Arghhh... Don't get to vote again. Wonder what age I'll be before I do get to vote.

SM Goh told the media today that Chiam See Tong was making false promises. He said that Chiam did not have the resources to carry out upgrading plans. On the other hand, his own party member, Sitoh wasn't making false promises. Sitoh can upgrade the Potong Pasir area and give residents even more than just upgrade. Think about why Sitoh has the resources? Just for the fact that he carries a lightning bolt pin on his chest. That's where his money comes from. Mr Chiam, a veteran in politics, has always been short of resources? Why?- Because he stands against the bully of the lightning bolt.

You make grand statements so shamelessly about how the PAP has all the resources, which indeed you have. But where does the money come from? From the people's pockets. From the people of Singapore? Why are residents from a opposition constituency "robbed" of their rights as a citizen to enjoy the benefits that all citizens of this island should enjoy, not just constituencies that are ruled by the lightning bolt? But I must say that the PAP is really good at defending themselves, always able to come up with seemingly logical reasons for the things they do.

Singaporeans aren't that dumb. Not speaking up doesn't mean we agree with what you do. Don't put words into our mouths. I respect what the PAP has done as a government. It's true that without the work of the PAP, we wouldn't be where we are today. But the current system no longer satisfy Singaporeans. Instead, it is detrimental to Singapore as it cultivates a cuture of political apathy and dependence on the government. This culture will not survive in a highly competitive world and Asia that is moving faster than we are. We have grown to become fearful, unthinking people who just follow whatever is asked of us, never retaliating or questioning- "just do" mentality. No wonder Li Ao branded us the "stupid people". A culture of fear can never be beneficial for a country. Don't give us pseudo democracy, don't give us false impressions that we are opening up when we are taking one step forward but two steps back at the next moment.

Having said that, the opposition has to buck up. Don't keep telling us you can be an alternative voice. Tell us what you can offer as an alternative. Don't just tell us you can check on the government. Tell us your plans, what you intend to do for us. Don't be a letdown.

We don't mean to appear to be rude, which we aren't in the first place. It's just that we care so much about this place that we live in.

Kermit suffers blow from newswriting class

2006-04-12T02:00:00.000+08:00

By Kermit

SINGAPORE - Kermit, a student of the news writing class suffered a blow to his ego today when only one of his four articles was selected for the class online newspaper.

During news writing class today, the executve editor of the class newspaper, XXX Tan, announced the articles that have been selected for the online publication. Only one, out of a possible four articles, that Kermit had written was selected.

"I felt my ego crushed," said Kermit. "Why did they pick only one of my articles when many of the rest of the class had two or more articles chosen?"

"I feel that my suicide feature should have been selected."

Kermit chose to write a feature story on NUS students with suicidal tendencies and the adequacy of the school's counselling centre to combat this issue. He had put in a great amount of effort for this suicide piece as he had conducted three interviews and researched online for statistics for this feature story.

"The tutor gave me good comments and a high grade for this feature story," said Kermit sorely. "I don't see why it shouldn't be published."

Hao, Kermit's alter ego, feels sorry for Kermit but sees rejection as a part of life.

"He spent a lot of time on the piece but that's the kind of bitch life is," said Hao. "Get over it and live with it".

After much contemplation and self-reflection, Kermit accepted the fact that his work was simply "not up to standard" or that his piece did not have enough "newsworthiness".

"Perhaps I just overestimated and thought too highly of my work," Kermit said. "In life, expectations are not always met."

The executive editor and his team had a hard time ensuring that at least one work from each of the 20 writers was published. At the same time, the team also had to ensure that stories did not overlap and that the published articles were newsworthy.

XXX Tan and his team of had not been reached for comments because Kermit did not approach them.

Kermit has since gotten over the blow to his ego and moved on with life.

妈，生日快乐。

2006-03-25T12:23:00.000+08:00

I feel so sorry for what I did to Alicia. One careless mistake of mine ruined her life for a week and she's still recovering from it. Sorry girl. I didn't mean it. It was just stupid of me...

It's my Mum's bday today- Happy Bday Mum! My sister and I had been thinking for about a week now on what to get her. We came up with something, bought it and gave it to her yesterday night. But there was some misunderstanding and the happy event became a sour one. I think my sister's "Ba Zi" clash with my Mum's. My sister is one of those people who lose her temper easily and often for trivial stuff- sometimes like a 小气鬼。 But often to her family and not to her friends. Maybe I'm like that too sometimes. By doing that, she makes people around her unhappy as well. That is one thing about her that I hope she changes, even more so that she's married now. They just can't seem to communicate properly, not for the past 26 years.

人总是对家庭有一个幸福美满的憧憬。但这个家总是离这个憧憬那么的遥远。 This doesn't mean my family is essentially an unhappy and dysfunctional one. We are functional and I would even say we are happy, but something always seem to be missing, something always has to go wrong. Feelings never seem to reciprocate properly. There's always this anticipation of this happy family scene, but things never turn out that way. Years of toiling and working, and struggling to keep this family afloat have made my parents practical beings who are losing their ability to appreciate life in a impractical fashion. They are two of the most kind-hearted and responsible parents that I have and will ever know, but I guess the harsh reality of a low-middle income life has dealt some blows to their attitude towards life. They have lost the instinct to romanticize. 社会，都是你的错。

Can you spot Me?

2006-02-27T01:15:00.000+08:00

Time really flies...

It all seem like it didn't happen too long ago. This is a picture of a class outing back in primary school. I still remember my teacher's name- Miss Lye. But she got married when she taught us and we had to call her Mrs Chia instead. Wonder how she is doing? I still have images in my mind of me and my classmates rushing down to the canteen during recess, and playing Hantam Bolah using Pong Pong fruits ( We had lots of pong pong trees in school). There was this guy who likes to compete who can eat the mosy chilli... How I used to always play "One Leg" during free time... Don't think many ppl know what one leg is... Don't think kids play that anymore. Also buy all the Dragon Ball cards with 20-cent coins, hoping to get the 闪卡. I still have my dragonball cards. What a carefree life I had then? Life was a no-brainer...

Ushering the year of the dog, I'm really starting to get nervous about my age. Freakin 24... I reflect and look back on what I've achieved so far and it struck me. Nothing. There are so many regrets in my life and so many things that I wished could have been this or that way... But it's too late now for some of those things. If only I had been bold in getting what I really wanted. I can never go back now... I feel suffocated when I ponder what and where I will be at the next year of the dog... Wang! Wang!

The feeling of getting old really hits me when I start conversing with Year-Ones. Somehow, I just can't seem to really connect. My jokes aren't funny to them. Their jokes aren't funny to me. I don't even share the same kind of childhood as some of them. They really make me feel that I am of a certain age now. I feel like expired can food or Ba Hu（肉松) that has lao hong(漏风)- no longer fresh. Out-dated. No longer tasty.

我要我的青春。。。回来吧，我遗失的时光。。。

Do you See who I really Am inside?

2006-02-25T18:08:00.000+08:00

Quote from Transamerica that left an impression:

" I want people to See me." - Bree

" I See you." - Toby

Sometimes, you just need a person to See who you really are on the inside. For all those who have found this person, you are blessed. I have this perhaps self-fulfilling prophecy that I might never find this person. Especially when I have a disability to treasure and appreciate myself. No one can hate you more than you hate yourself.

For me, it's no big deal that you live your entire life alone. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's a matter of choice. But sometimes when your spirits are down, you just yearn for someone to verify who you stand for and be proud of who you are. So it's harder to get through times when you feel like you're all alone.

It's sad how social stigma traps us and forces us to fit ourselves into certain social cells. We, in turn, expect others to fit into certain norms as well. Failure in doing so will result in being labelled "abnormal", "weird" or even "disgusting". Failure to do so might even result in abuse, ridicule and even ostracism. It's a shame that we are sometimes so quick to disassociate ourselves from the "abnormal", just in case other people think we are "abnormal" too. It's a shame we are worried about how people look at us, and forget to be who we really are in the process. All the make pretence. All the self-assurance. All that oppression of others to make ourselves feel better. It's a shame how we are unable to see beyond the skin, see beyond gender, see beyond sex, to look deeper into anything that appears different.

But it's easier said than done sometimes. Sometimes, there is just so much at stake. There is just so much to lose when you are ostracised. Are we brave enough to face loneliness? Are we brave enough to walk alone? Are we brave enough to lose all that we treasure?

Life would be so much simpler and perhaps better if we could all see people for who they really are, instead of what they are...

" I don't even know why I do the things I do... "

Sometimes you just want someone to talk to.

2006-01-10T01:51:00.000+08:00

Sometimes you just want someone to talk to. But when that someone doesn't exist...? Who can I turn to?

Hong Kong... 我来也

2005-12-10T17:12:00.000+08:00

Haven't blogged for a while. No mood to blog even though exams are finally over-Woo Hoo!!!

Saw Peifen(from 93.3fm) yeterday at Orchard. She look so pretty in real life. Much Much better than on TV.

Did somthing that made me feel disgusted with myself yesterday. I became the kind of hypocrite that I hated. Really Sorry Sml. I would have felt like shit if I knew I was treated the way I treated you. We didn't mean to do that. We did that because we didn't want to hurt or embarrass anyone. Yes, it was hypocritical but we meant no harm. I'm ashamed that we did that but we didn't know what else to do under those awkward circumstances. If you ever find out, I hope you'll forgive us...

Will be off to Hongkong tomorrow... Actually I not that gian go Hongkong bec I not really the shopping type and I just went a few months ago. Thailand would have been a better and Cheaper choice. But anyways, have friends around is better than being alone right? I hope I'll enjoy myself.

Pray: A safe journey there and back. NO Avian Flu outbreak in Hongkong. Don't fall sick there. Good weather. Hope I'll see a strike there, esp with the upcoming WTO talk to be held in HK.

Since it's the holidays, time to party. I'll play some classic DISCO from Boney M... Remember that guy from the history text? The guy who "seduced" the Czarina? The bearded man from the chapter on Russia? Yes- there's a song about him. Enjoy!

Will be back in 5 days....

Guang Hui Seafood- like fuck

2005-11-20T20:57:00.000+08:00

I feel so fucking pissed now, I just have to get this out of my system, b4 I explode.

I just came back from dinner with my parents. We went to makan at a hawker centre at Red Hill, the one just behind Red Hill MRT. We ordered food from this stall called Guang Hui Seafood. Remember- Guang Hui Seafood- Don't eat there! Pass the word around. Fucking bad service.

We ordered stir-fried beef with ginger, fish head with diced-beans and a plate of kailan. 3 simple dishes. We sat down and waited. And waited. And waited for freaking 30 over minutes, still the food didn't come. It wasn't like there was a long queue at the stall. My father went over to ask them what had happened. They said it was on the way. My guess is that they had forgotten our order. Never mind, being the nice and understanding people we are, we continued waiting. Not long later, the bitch from the stall came over and told us they ran out of beef. The bitch: “Sorry hoh, 没有牛肉了。鹿肉可以吗？还是你要排骨王？ ” Now, you tell us.... She suggested changing to deer meat instead. Again, being nice, we agreed.

Again we sat there, and waited, and waited and waited. My face turned black like Bao Gong from all that waiting. After another 15 minutes, finally the first dish came, the freaking small plate of stir-fried venison and 3 plates of rice. Then came the fish head. After another 5 minutes, the bitch appeared with a plate of vegetables. It wasn't kailan, it was spinach. She said they had run out of kailan. The bitch: "Sorry hoh, 没有KAILAN 了，菠菜可以吗？ ” She didn't even ask if we wanted spinach. She just assumed and cooked spinach for us, expecting us to pay for something we didn't order. My dad, being the nice person, accepted the vegetables and just told her if he knew he would have cancelled all orders. We ate the food in 10 minutes and left the hawker centre. She did say she was sorry, but it was obvious she didn't mean it. Her apology was just customary.

We should have cancelled the orders after 30 minutes of waiting. My dad shouldn't have accepted the fucking spinach. We didn't order that and they fucking assumed we didn't mind the change after making us wait for 40 over minutes in total. Being nice and kind just doesn't pay. You always become push-overs. I would see myself as a nice person who tries to put myself in other people's shoes and always try to make everyone happy. But fuck! People are always doing things, forcing me not to be nice, convincing me that it just doesn't pay to be nice. What's wrong with this world? We don't appreciate people who are nice, but simply bully them for that. Why must people and circumstances always convince me that being nice is being cruel to myself? I should just become a self-centred fuck who just think for myself. Play around with people, manipulate them and make use of them for my own benefit. That's the way to go.

I hate it when I get the feeling that people take advantage of me or make use of me. I hate it even more when I get the feeling that the same is done to my family. Why must we always be the ones to be taken advantage of? All my experience of being nice over the years made me come up with one conclusion- It just doesn't pay to be nice. People don't appreciate it. 男人不坏，女人不爱。 No one bothers about the good and wholesome weirdo. I do think that I'm no longer as nice or as easily pushed around, compared to a few years ago. But I guess that isn't enough. Great, people on MSN are using pics of their girlfriends. Great, show off your girlfriends to the world. Dig it in. Deeper... Feels good. Cut me some slack.

Remember: Guang Hui Seafood, at the hawker centre behind Red Hill MRT. Do not eat there. The food isn't great and the service is like fuck. Actually the service is fuck. Pass the word around.

Feel much better now. Time to work.

Fucked up essays

2005-11-15T23:25:00.000+08:00

I was supposed to collect my 2nd film essay from the lit. department. This essay constitutes 20% of the total score. The TA left it outside her office and we were to collect it. Before I could collect it, the entire pile of essays were stolen. Someone actually stole the entire stack of essays. My lecturer suspects its one of the students who did it, to gain an advantage over the rest during revision. Some people are just so low. Fucked up. Anything to get a good grade and to gain an advantage over others. Whoever you are who stole- Burn in Hell!

To make matters worse, my TA just sent me my results for the 2nd essay. Since she can't recover the marked essays, she decided to email us our marks. Guess what? I got a bloody C+!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck to infinity!

Below is my TA's email to me:

I'm sorry to inform you that the stolen essays have not been returned. You have received a high C+ grade for your second assignment so that's a nice improvement over your last essay. All the best with your exam preparation. Take care.
Regards,
XXXX

High C+? Nice improvement? I went from a C for the first essay to a C+. You call that high and nice? Just tell me my essay sucks and tell me how I can improve. I can't stand it that she keep making you feel like there's nothing wrong, when something is terribly wrong when you keep getting Cs. Stop being NICE at the wrong time, for the wrong purpose. And stop using that lovey-dovey tone, that [Barney the idiotically freakish purple dinosaur-Hi kids "I love you, you love me"] tone. Spank when you have to.

I was expecting a B-/B at least for what I wrote. But C and C+??? These are the worst essay results I've gotten so far. I am so fucked for this module. I screwed up 30%. Majority of people in class are getting B+ and A. Here I am, struggling to get a C. What's wrong with me? Can it get any worse off than this?

This is my worst academic season so far. No confidence in any of the module.

I will overcome...

iNsYnC is officially online

2005-11-13T01:02:00.000+08:00

Our newsletter is now officially online. And we are the first and only class to have finished the newsletter and put it online. I must say we did a pretty good job, despite my condemnation and incessant bitching about the lack of camaraderie. I must say the committee did a pretty good job.

I read through all the autobiographies of my classmates. After reading, I realised we have a pool of great talent in class. Many crouching tigers and hidden dragons. Many interesting personalities. Quite a few of them don't look the part, but actually have hidden talents. Me no hidden talents, therefore no tiger or dragon. Me frog in the well with not much talents. It's a pity we didn't know each other better when we had the chance.

I have to say that our leader writes pretty well. Perhaps that's one reason why she got the job. There were a few others who wrote pretty well too- interesting reads. Reading through all the autobios, I have to say that mine is one of the worse. The lack of vocabulary is one reason, but more importantly I did a bad job because I was bad in sharing my life. My autobio was superficial and boring. Didn't really say much about the real me!!!

I just don't like to reveal too much of ME to others. I like to stay mysterious? I'm shy to say what I really am or like? Nobody truly knows what goes on in my life. I just don't like people to know too much about me. Defence mechanism- afraid of getting hurt, afraid people will know too much about me? I'm sure there everyone has a secret part of themselves they never tell others about, except maybe with a loved one. Me no loved one, so no experience.

Wanna share yours here? Flicking your gold after digging your nose? Wearing the same underwear for weeks? A member of the KKK or Falun Gong? Slept with your lecturer to upgrade from an A to A+? Anything also can lah... My confession: Indeed, I have flicked my gold after digging my nose on several private moments. But I have to defend myself that I always ensure I flick them into the dustbin. What about you?

With exams round the corner, it's really time to get serious. I've bummed around enough. Time to hit the books. But it's just so shiok to bum around, don't you agree? I can always make up my CAP by working harder next semester, right? Why torture yourself? Uni life is supposed to be fun isn't it? Unless you get a CAP 5.0, it wouldn't do much to change your exisiting CAP anyway- so what's the point in working so hard? OK lah, me stop playing DEVIL to those trying to study. Time for me to be good boy who study and don't waste parents' money that pay for tuition fees.

I have to be insane to do this at this hour

2005-11-10T04:04:00.000+08:00

The time is now 4 am in the morning. Here I am typing on my keyboard, refusing to go to sleep. Just finished reading all my previous blogging entries one by one, from my first post to the last. I don't know why I'm doing this but I just did. I must be insane. I do have some entries that I look at them now and think "I can't believe I said that?", "Aren't I a genius to write that?"and
"What was I thinking?" Through my entries, I am able to see how much my mindset has changed over the past 2 years. I have "grown up" a little and lost some of that youth, that naive optimism towards life. I am becoming a typical Singaporean adult, who sells his soul to society, loses all individuality and humanity, and whose only entertainment is complaining about how the world treats him bad and how he deserves better. Fuck me, I want my youth back. I've never enjoyed my youth and I'm not letting it go like that.

I'd better sleep now before the sun rises...

Media writing class

2005-11-10T02:48:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, we had our last Media Writing class. Basically,for the module, the class forms an editorial team and comes up with an online newsletter. You send in your resume at the start of the semester for the position you want and the tutor will decide which role you play. (There were 4 managerial positions in the committee up for grabs) I didn't get the managerial positon I wanted, ended up as a staff writer (a worker bee), sucks. The leader was to lead the class in the creation of this online newsletter.

The leader sets the tone of the class. In my opinion, our leader failed miserably in leading the class. For the entire semester, she chose to keep quiet during lessons and left the all the making of announcements to her assistant. I don't understand why she and her assistant don't like to communicate information with the class face-to-face. She always choose to communicate things through emails. The only thing she and her assistant say in class is "Okay guys, I will send out an email to you telling about ..."

Every single week, most of the 2 hour tutorial proceeds in silence. Normally, the tutor is involved only in the first 30 minutes of tutorial. After that, she passes the time to the leader and the class to coordinate their newsletter efforts. When the tutor passes the time over, the leader doesn't do mucn and everyone is just doing their own thing on their computer monitors. There is hardly any interaction among the class. I don't understand why all the other committee members don't speak to the class and choose to follow her system of sending emails and yahoo messages. The end of the semester is approaching and still I do not know the name of my classmates. Everything is left to be done through yahoo group messages and email. There's 2 f**king hours of tutorial time. Can't you just address the class face to face? She even had the cheek to lie through her teeth, telling the entire lecture group that our class works well as a team. (Leaders had to report the class progress to the lecture group) Bullshit! I guess as a person, she's nice. But as a leader, she sucks big time.

I was so bored in class yesterday. It was silent and everyone was clicking away at their own monitors. I have no idea what they're so busy with. I had nothing to do. I just sat there in my revolving chair, spinning left to right, acting like an idiot and annoying the people around me.

When I see the bonding in the other classes, I feel sick with my own class. They know each other by name, they work together, they make decisions togther, they basically have a good time in class. For me, media writing class is a torture. Cold, silent, undermined. Nobody cares about nobody. Just sit there on your cold ass, we'll email you shortly. Screwed up yahoo message communication- always cause miscommunication and unclear directions.

All media writing tutorial groups are to come up with their newsletter by end of this week. The newsletters will all be sent in for some competition, and a winner will be chosen among the tutorial groups. Good luck to us in WINNING. I'm sure most of the class don't even know what the final product looks like.

Yesterday, we were told by our tutor that we had all screwed up our news release. There was some misunderstanding and miscommunication between the tutor and the assistant leader. To cut to the chase, the assistant leader gave us instructions on what to write for our news release, but it wasn't what the tutor wanted. So the entire class has to rewrite the news release. The assistant leader was apolegetic and quickly sent out an yahoo message to apologise. (yahoo message again). Then people started to reply to him, consoling him that it was alright, no harm done and blah... I don't blame him also, small matter. But I just have this feeling that some of the consolation given by my classmates are fake. There's a class peer evaluation that we have to submit soon. I can't help but think that some of them are consoling the guy for the sake of scoring points for their evaluation. Maybe I'm just being "small-heart-eye", but the possibility is there. I hope they're sincere in consoling him and not being hyprocrital to score points.

Look what higher education has turn some of us into- f**king hypocrites who are slaves to our grades. This is what we're made to become. Is this what we pride as higher learning? Stupid us. We think we're highly educated undergradutes with a high social standing. But we're actually soul-less beings undergoing higher training to be slaves to society and, in the process, giving up the important parts that make us human.

Sucky essays, shit, shot down

2005-11-10T01:46:00.000+08:00

Wanted to post this entry yesterday but I was too lazy to.

Sucky essays

For all the semesters so far, I've written the suckiest and shittiest essays for this semester. Got a bloody C for my first film essay. Wrote my second essay the 1 am on the day of submission. Gave up writing at 3 am and went to sleep. Woke up at 8 am to continue the essay. Still I couldn't finish. In the end, I skipped tutorial so that I could finish it. Wrote total crap and kept repeating myself.

For my PR report, I only started writing the night before the deadline as usual. Started only at night, gave up at around 2 am. Woke up at 8.30 am to finish it. Couldn't finish it before my first lesson of the day. Went for my first tutorial and headed straight to the comp lab after that to finish my report. Eventually, finished the report at 3 pm+. Sucks, another report without substance.

I am just unmotivated for this semester. Don't feel like doing any of the assignments. Exam is in 2 weeks time but I feel nothing. I have yet to touch a single page of my readings. Just feel like relak one korner and just flip through my notes the day before the exams. Just feel f**king sian of the whole education system. Just wanna sleep, sleep, sleep...

Shit

I was shitting in the AS1 level 2 toilet yesterday. After sitting down on the toilet bowl, I tried to concentrate on moving my bowels- shortage of fibre recently. But I couldn't concentrate. There was this guy in the cubicle beside mine, moaning and groaning. "Ahh...", "Mm..." , "Ahh..." (Short moans). What's his problem? Does shitting gives him orgasms? When I was finally done with my "business", he was still in his cubicle, enjoying his personal time... Haha... If he's happy, I'm happy for him.

Shot down

I was informed that I wasn't chosen for the internship interview that I signed up for. This was my lecturer's reply to me for my application:

Dear Chien Hao,

I am sorry to inform you that you were not selected for the interview this time. However, if I know the position that suits your interest, I will definitely let you know.

XXXXXXX

I thought I had everything the company wanted. I guess everybody has everything the company wanted and they had extra stuff that I don't have. I'm not upset that I didn't get the internship position, I'm upset that I wasn't even selected for the interview. I just don't get it. Why? WHy? WHY? Better luck next time.

Normalcy, opposites attract

2005-10-28T20:17:00.000+08:00

Just popped down a whole box of panadol and a can of coke... Just kidding. Just popped down 2 pills of panadol. I can feel flu and fever creeping in. My body was sore, I felt hot inside but cold on the outside. Feel much better now, starting to sweat after taking panadol.

Had our advertising project discussion today. Felt really tired, couldn't think much or come up with any ideas. Actually I quite gian to do the creative part. It's fun, I've always liked to imagine things and I'm kinda sick of typing reports. But I know Kenneth very gian to do creative, and Lianwei came up with the idea. So OK loh, do report also can lah.

Got back my Lit Stylistic essay. Got only 6.7. I think the class average is around 7-8 plus. For the class test, got only 6.8. Class average also around 7-8 plus. Sianz...

I have become so dysfunctional as a member of this society. I just fear that one day, I would not fit into society at all and become an outcast. This angry, autistic, cynical loser who is an eyesore. This gollum-esque freak of nature that everyone hates to love, but loves to hate. The fear that I can never be normal like the rest, or live a "normal" life that everyone is supposed to live. BUT if I succeed in making everyone else like me, an army of me (isn't that thrillingly freaky), then I would have succeeded in becoming normal. I set normality.

Everyone(generalisation but true) craves to be normal, to fit into the mould. The problem occurs when you feel you aren't normal. Some people do a good job and make a living out of being "ab"normal- the term normally used is unique and special. But what about people who want to be normal but don't feel that they can ever be normal? How do they reconcile their feelings and their wants? Sometimes, people become dysfunctional because society make them feel "ab"normal. The more you refuse to conform, the more "ab"normal you are made to look. Normality-a powerful act of the mind. When it swallows you and becomes your very existence, society has succeeded and you have lost your very existence as an individual being. When you think you are special- are you really special or is it just the norm of the society to try to be special? If everyone is special, no one is special anymore. (Panadol and coke starting to take its effects...)

Recently I watched Fight Club. Not a bad show but I kinda expected the twist. Nowadays, I am so used to twists, it takes something really creative and clever to surprise me. In the show, Edward Norton is this schizophrenic guy. Basically, it is this Jekyll and Hyde thing, where the Brad Pitt character is actually the Norton character but the Norton character doesn't know it until the 2nd half of the show. The Brad Pitt character is all that the Norton character wants to be and all that he is not or thinks that he's not. Handsome, male adonis, great in bed, commanding, rebellious, etc.

Think of someone you wish you were. What does that person stand for?

Most likely, that idol of yours is someone that's all that you're not. You feed your lack in that person's haves. Some poeple say opposites attract. You find what you lack in the person you are attracted to. The two combine to make a complete whole, the balance of the Yin and the Yang and all that shit. Is that absolutely true? I dunno, one needs a date to know. How would someone like me know?

Think of a person you hate. Why do you hate this person?

I have this theory that sometimes you hate a person because he is deeply similar to you. He has traits that you hate and these are the traits that you have too, but sometimes you are just unwilling to admit or you are concisously unaware that you are like that too. Deep down you know- Damn, I'm just so fucking like him/her but I hate that.

OK, the panadol and coke effect wearing off liao. Need to go. Time to chase the dragon...

MICHEAL Wa Lao Bei

2005-10-28T02:35:00.000+08:00

这是小伦的故事。从小到大，他和MICHAEL相依为命。 MICHAEL 就像他爸一样。但这个家庭有个不可告人的秘密。

警告：内容色情。阅读者需经过家长同意。
Sexual references may be offensive.
Don't like it, Scram...

我听说MICHAEL是个好人提倡世界和平
为什么看到MICHAEL总是一直摸我LANPA
就因为不够白　他就能拿我鸟出气
我真的看不下去　以为我较细汉

从小到大只有小鸟的陪伴　为什么MICHAEL　那么变态
如果真的我有一只小鸟　二只小鸟　随时出发
偷偷出发　我一定带我鸟走　从前的教育
别人的家庭　别人的爸爸种种的性向因素一定都会有原因
但是呢　鸟跟我都没有错亏我叫你一声MICHAEL~YOU KNOW YOU'RE BAD。。。
YOU KNOW IT

不要再这样摸我LANPA
我说的话　你甘会听?
不要再这样摸我LANPA
难道你手　不会酸吗?

其实我回家就想要阻止一切　让家庭回到过去甜甜
温馨的欢乐香味　虽然这是我编造出来的事实
有点讽刺　有点酸性　但它确在这快乐社会发生产生共鸣产生共鸣
来阻止一切非礼　小鸟随着膨胀吸入血液情绪
从小到大你叫我学习你把你当榜样　好多的假像
妈妈常说乖~~听MICHAEL的话　你叫我怎么跟你像~~

不要再这样摸我LANPA
我说的话　你甘会听?
不要再这样摸我LANPA
难道你手　不会酸吗?

12345678 12345678
我叫你MIC　你摸我鸟这样对吗　干嘛这样
何必那么变态过火~瞎~说都说不听　听
痛是我鸟在痛　痛

The day I turned 23.

2005-10-20T23:50:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was my 23rd Birthday. Finding it hard to catch up with time. It's time like this that you think about what you've achieved thus far? For me, nothing much, esp. in things that matter in life (obviously including the romane department).

Didn't want to "celebrate" my birthday this year. Sometimes, when the people around you and the surrounding change and aren't what they use to be, the significance is gone, the ambience is gone. It becomes a meaningless and hypocritical act if I go through with it for the sake of doing so. When your own attitude and mindset take a dramatic turn for the "better" or "worse", there isn't much cause or reasons for celebrations either. It just isn't what it used to be...

Birthday celebrations celebrates the birth of an individual. The individual takes on a significant role and existence on that day. It is a ritual whereby the individual is idolised and the day's events is supposed to revolve around him/her. But often times, it doesn't always end up being about him or her. Sometimes, it's just reason for getting together. Sometimes, it's just something one does so because one feels there is a need to.

My questions is: "Is there a cause for celebration?" I would love the answer to be "YES!" but this year, the answer is clearly "No." I just don't find much cause for celebration this year round. I don't feel that I have anyone that I would like to celebrate my birth with, without having to act as though I'm really happy, exicted, blah blah... Having said that, I'm not as pessimistic, sado-masochistic, depressive and cynical as you would imagine me to be. Maybe I'm just sexually deprived? Haha...

But the fact of it is that a part of me does care. I still want my existence to mean something. We are all materialistic and we all want acceptance. We all want our existence to mean something. I'm glad that the band guys, esp Jeremy, made an effort to drag me out of my self-imposed hermit existence- me shutting everyone out and building walls around myself. Appreciate the unspoken gestures. I'm glad I didn't allow myself to sink into the typical plot of misery and self-pity.

Great food, great friends. Just a dinner, nothing fanciful but I enjoyed myself being around people I felt comfortable with. I recovered some of the cause for celebration. Thanks again to those who came.

Back at home, it was just another day in 2005. My parents didn't seem to remember. My mum is too caught up with work. My Dad is simply too overworked and was sleeping when I left the house in the evening. Even Sis didn't remember. I guess she's too caught up with her wedding preparations. But I'd thought she'd remember. I don't blame them. I didn't say anything and our family don't normally have a birthday celebration culture. Come to think of it, we don't have any sort of "celebrative" culture at all. I've always convince myself that it isn't that we don't care about each other, it's just that we're different.

Next time, I want to celebrate my birthday with friends and everyone has to get drunk and high. Forget all that makes sense. Forget your self-conscience. Just forget everything and be high for the night. Now that's a cause for celebrations.

23 Dog Libra

2005-10-19T15:18:00.000+08:00

一只青蛙咕咕坠地。。。

This song says it all

2005-10-14T00:00:00.000+08:00

另一张脸

刮了一阵大风莫明奇妙变天
无缘无辜心情灰
站在窗前感觉就算世界少了我
其实也无所谓
蠢蠢欲动黑暗那一面
不停的在变形吞掉我的极限
陷在有冷又黑的悲观里就像出现另一张脸

看着这张陌生的脸自己都讨厌
觉得心情起伏不定没有人了解
这种孤独想大声哭觉得活得累
觉得一切一切全都虚伪

我想像个傻子一样笑着过一天
想要看着你的薇笑相信有明天
想要留下每有一分钟快乐的感觉
偏偏这张脸在我意志脆弱无奈又胡思乱想害怕时就出现
不了解看不见灰的脸我的脸

歌手名称：孙燕姿
专辑名称：完美的一天　
词：林怡芬曲：李偲菘

10/10

2005-10-10T21:19:00.000+08:00

10 October- Taiwan National Day. Happy Burstday Taiwan...

Wanna Thank Yongming. Xie Xie- really appreciate it.

Starting to suspect I'm suffering from Mad Cow Disease. Can't concentrate well, can't think properly. Today in PR class, Dr Perry asked who was doing an issue on downloading music. I thought she asked who downloads music. I was surprised no one else in class raised his/her hand, but I raised mine. She asked me my stand on d/lg music. I started yakking away, telling her I only buy albums that I think are worth it and download the rest of the songs that I like...blah blah blah. Then she started asking me who's point of view I was going to take and things related to the issue tracking. I was blur like fuck. Only then I realised, she asked who was doing an issue on downloading music for the term project. We are supposed to track an issue (keep track of news for a particular issue, eg. Iraq war, dengue fever) for the term project. Malu siah, like fool like that. Apart from that, the rest of the day was pretty typical. Arts canteen overcrowded with people not from arts. No choice, had to go biz for lunch. Ate my fav grilled fish from biz western food stall. THink Biz has the best western stall.

On the bus today, I saw this Uncle around his 50s. He took out this white towel and started blowing his nose on it. Then, he started Orh-ing his Pi-Sai (dig his nose for gold) with the towel. After that, he flipped the towel to the other side and started wiping his face. Wipe face until shiok liao, he turned it over and Orh more Pi-Sai. Wah Kaoz. Good siah. No wonder his skin so smooth.

Work in regress

2005-10-09T23:14:00.000+08:00

世界末日时，你希望自己在地球的哪个角落？

I'm glad that some of the family conflict and tension had been resolved. Otherwise, I would have hated staying at home.

So much work, actually enough time but no mood to do anything much but still gotta do it siah- if not waste my school fees, waste 4 semesters worth of work. I'm feel drained and sick of going through the cycle of school. Just feel like quitting and find a job which I'll slave at for the rest of my life- just like my parents and the many parents around me.

I have my part of a group project due tomorrow and I haven't even started yet. Kaoz, I really don't know what to write siah. Literary stylistics- always go there to confuse myself. What was I thinking?

Feel weak. Havent been exercising at all. Look more aneroxic and "cancer-patient" than ever. Need a break, need a holiday. Need to get away from all the pesky and irritating people. But first, I need money for that. Who wants my skinny ass? Haha... Although skinny, should be enough to fetch me a trip to KL. Now is the time to go there and die of dengue. haha... Hmm...will I get arrested for this? Just joking lah, don't angry lah brudders.

其实，我也不知道我想要在哪个角落。我只希望世界末日时，我无怨无悔.
I'll shout "Kiss my skinny ass" to everyone I see. "Kiss My Ass Suckers!"

Not supposed to make any sense

2005-10-03T23:38:00.000+08:00

Took a long hiatus from blogging. Caught up in a world of frenzy over nothing. Rushing deadlines and essays. But most importantly, I just didn't feel like writing.

Got back an essay today. Bloody got a C. Fuck. Two assignments due and the group is just waiting for things to happen. Today, I feel the groove to blog again.

I always wonder how I appear to people who meet me for the first time? What is their perception of me when they see me for the first time? I come to think of myself as appearing cold and aloof. I think my physical appearance does some serious damage to how people view me. You know how its like to feel that you are in the wrong skin? People are superficial and beauty is important. Don't listen to all the crap abt beauty is from within. It is never about the inner-beauty when people first get to know you. Just because you aren't a "beautiful" being, you have to put in that extra effort to show that you are beautiful on the inside just to be noticed, to be appreciated. Fuck. Well, I am ugly and I look sickly, aloof and cold and that's the way it is. But that doesn't mean I'm unfriendly and you just strike me off like that.

I have been undergoing some self-contemplation. What have I accomplished so far? I came to a conclusion that nothing significant has been accomplised and I could actually be a loser trying putting on a brave front, trying to show the world that everything is fine. All that self-confidence could actually be a sub-concious mechanism my body uses to cover up my lack of it and my under achivements. Even so, I will not give up on myself. If I do, that will be the day you see me cut my own wrist in self-defeat. Why am I always so afraid?

Am I alone? I feel very much so. I feel misplaced. I am just too weird to fit in anywhere. I just feel so lost when I walk alone in school. Where am I heading? What's the point? Maybe the problem lies in me, but don't the people around me who makes/made me feel this way bear some responsibility?

Friends? What friends? A more appropriate term would be acquaintances. Who fucking cares apart from having a good time?

Why can't anyone truly understand me? Not even a single person?

Blabbering like a mad man which I think I am actually one, or I'm near to madness. Enough of all these boring repititive nonsense. The 4 ulcers in my mouth are killing me. Time to rub salt into my own wounds.

都是蛊惑仔惹的祸。。。

2005-09-13T21:46:00.000+08:00

Kermit faces his past.
A pic back from around 1998. Ah-Beng wannabes.
谁没有过去？

Classic Beng outfit- Branded long sleeve shirt with sleeve folded up.
(Preferred Beng brands- Jeans (Valentino, Versace, MCM, Armani)
Wallet(JPG with metallic strip)

Top (Any that looks Beng enough.
ie. trademark burberrys chequered top, trussadi)
Or small body hugging tops

Hideous centre-parting hairstlye

Branded specs if wear specs.

Essential acessories- comb with super long sharp end that can kill
- super ultra small Outdoor bag that clings so tight
it is potentially blue-black inducing
- Motorola Jazz pager with bells, bells, bells
- Dye hair if possible (usually one flat colour)

And so on... You may want to add to my list

*Faces have been blurred to protect identity of involved personnel.

Freaky version.

Ungrammatical and not in chronological order

2005-09-11T18:07:00.000+08:00

Had been busy for the past few days with mid-term exams and assignment deadline to meet. Quite a bit happened but didn't feel like blogging. Isn't it funny that whenever you have a test, you want to do everything else except for studying for the test. I am the Super Last minute type, don't study until bo bian no time. I only officially studied for the test at 1 am. Actually, I get a Kick in doing things last minute- fighting against time and cramping my brains for answers and remembering stuff. I remember during study time leading up to A levels, I spent my time packing up my room and doing damn bo liao stuff. Then when holidays come and I have ample time to do all the bo liao stuff, I get too lazy to do them and actually find books to read. I am just so 犯贱.

I finished the MCQ mid term in around 50 minutes when the total time given was 2 hours. Not that I super Zai, just that MCQ test with 50 questions no need 2 hours loh. Quite a lot of ppl left b4 me. Made a mistake in one of the giveaway questions. Damn! It is one of those tests that nearly everyone will get full marks. But I was still quite confident of getting a decent grade.

Results out today on IVLE. Sianz man, I only get 90. Thought I only made a few mistakes but sianz man. The mode score was 92 loh. Super sianz, fall below average. I was still so confident after the test. TL damn zai loh, get 98. Need a new brain.

Thought there was a drinking session on Friday night, but in the end don't have. Dunno what happened siah. Then supposed to meet up with CW they all yesterday night, then in the end don't have also. Also dunno why. Need to find new activities to do. Stayed at home to watch Man U/Man C match. Can't believe Man U/Man C draw. Sucks. But I'm gloating over Arsenal's loss.

Amber's dad passed away last week while holidaying in Thailand. Can't imagine how it feels to lose a parent. Somemore, supposed to enjoy during holiday. Attended the wake, but didn't get a chance to talk to Amber. Hope she gets over it soon. Dedicate the song Tears by X Japan to her. (removed from blog). Don't think she reads or knows this bog but still dedicate to her. Dunno Japanese but the chorus talks abt "Dry your tears with love". Hope she does that.

Also dedicate the song to Yongming, who lost his phone. I know how it feels. I lost a newly bought phone last year. Sianz man. Lucky for me, I had most of my contacts on paper. When I realise I lost my phone, I called my own number. First time rang but nobody pick up. Second time I call, phone switched off liao. Maybe calling your own phone isn't such a good move.

9/11- the day terrorists come out to play. They play with our minds, they play with our lives.

Writer's block... Dunno what to write liao.

Kermit the 2-faced amphibian.

Kermit the warped amphibian

2005-09-05T18:57:00.000+08:00

Kermit is sick. It developed a weird temper and started building walls around itself. It doesn't feel like speaking. It doesn't feel like facing other animals. It doesn't want to make any explanations for its actions. It finds it unnecessary or perhaps it doesn't know how to and can't. It only needs to selfishly answer to itself. It doesn't care anymore. It is tired of it all. It is tired of the animals around it, especially the grotesque chameleons. It is tired of its own insignificance and the cold stares from others. It is losing all feelings and emotions. The venom in it has spread to its vital organs. It has become a highly poisonous frog. It lost its ability to communicate with other animals. As an amphibious being, it wants to leave the water world. It is losing hope in the water world. Air in the water is polluted. It is the only frog left in the water. The other frogs have either left for other water bodies or left water for land. Why can't frogs be like horses- handsome, strong horses speeding through wide open fields- the admiration of other animals. What should become of Kermit? A frog is still a frog.

可米特生病了。它变得脾气古怪，自我封闭。它变得不爱说话。它不想面对任何动物。它不想为它的行为做任何解释。他认为没有必要，也或许它不知道怎么解释。它只需要自私地对自己交代。它不想再理会任何事情。它厌倦了这一切。它厌倦它周遭的一些动物，尤其是丑陋的析蜴。它厌倦了所有的冷落和鄙视的眼神。它渐渐失去喜怒哀乐。它体内的毒液已散播到它的五脏六腑。它变成一只身具巨毒的青蛙。它失去了和别种动物沟通的能力。生为一个双栖动物，他想逃离水的世界。他渐渐对水的世界感到绝望。水里的空气以被污染了。水里只剩它一只青蛙。青蛙们不是游到别的水域，就是跳上水面到陆地上生活了。青蛙为什么不能像马儿一样，英俊，壮硕，飞奔在无限的草原上，是众动物们仰慕的对象呢？可米特该如何是好？青蛙还是青蛙。

冷笑话
I heard on 93.3fm today

Qn: 有一艘非常新的船。这艘船缺少什么？
Ans:电视。因为新传媒（新船没)电视。

One of my favourite from Radiohead:
Creep
When you were here before,
couldn't look you in the eye.
You're just like an angel,
your skin makes me cry.
You float like a feather,
in a beautiful world
I wish I was special,
you're so fucking special.

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.

I don't care if it hurts,
I want to have control.
I want a perfect body,
I want a perfect soul.
I want you to notice,
I'm not around.
You're so fucking special,
I wish I was special.

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?.

I don't belong here
She's running out the door,
she's running,
she run, run, run, run, run.

Whatever makes you happy,
whatever you want.
You're so fucking special,
I wish I was special,

but I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here,
I don't belong here.

*(off the album Pablo Honey)

我真的受伤了 (Sing along)

2005-09-03T17:38:00.000+08:00

窗外阴天了　音乐低声了　
我的心开始想你了

灯光也暗了　音乐低声了　
口中的棉花糖也融化了

窗外阴天了　人是无聊了　
我的心开始想你了

电话响起了　你要说话了　
还以为你心里对我又想念了

怎么你声音变得冷淡了　
是你变了　是你变了

灯光熄灭了　音乐静止了　
滴下的眼泪已停不住了

天下起雨了　人是不快乐　
我的心真的受伤了

演唱歌手：张学友
词曲：作词：王菀之　作曲：王菀之　编曲：江建民　

你受伤时，是否有人借你肩膀依靠？
你快乐时，是否有人分享你的微笑？
你无聊时，是否有人逗你笑？
你寂默时，是否也和我一样？
孤单的期待着那幸福拥抱。

Kermit

Touch of pink

2005-08-31T00:09:00.000+08:00

Recently, this song for a Lacoste ad caught my attention. Good easy listening. It's "Save your kisses for me" by Natasha Thomas. She is 19 this year and hails from Denmark but is signed to a German company. She is relatively unknown in this part of the world but this international ad is sure to shoot her to fame. The song was used for the Lacoste "touch of pink" fragrance commercial- Natasha is also the model prancing around looking pretty in pink in the ad. Liked the song, so I uploaded it for sampling. （ REMOVED )

Lacoste- Touch of pink

There had always been a trend of songs tying up with commercials. Songs become popular due to high exposure and commercials are more easily remembered due to the catchy songs. It's a good platform for singers to be exposed to an international market. Some examples that I can remember are:

Shaggy "Mr Boombastic"- Levi's
U2 "Vertigo"- i pod
The Caesers "Jerk it out"- i pod shuffle
D'Sound "Talking Talk"- Nokia
and countless Moby tracks tied in with commercials

Recently, there has been a trend of using songs of new acts or relatively unknown artistes in advertisements. For example, by tying in with i pod shuffle, The Caesers managed to gain fame in a very short time. "Jerk it out" became an international smash hit. By does fame gained through such a strategy last? Do acts end up as one hit wonders? Well, if they do, they can always collaborate with Eminem or Missy Elliot- the passports to fame.

Small, small Kermit.

2005-08-30T23:26:00.000+08:00

I missed my 1st lecture today. Lecture starts at 10am and I woke up at 11.40am. Didn't even hear my alarm and don't even recall shutting off the alarm even though I did. Woke up from a series of ridiculous dreams.

I headed straight for Media Writing class. Today, the comittee members for the class newsletter was announced. Initially, I told myself maybe I don't want to be in the commitee at all because I didn't really have the technical abilities needed for the job. It's a stupid job anyways. But when the names of the committee members were announced and I wasn't one of them, I got really upset. Only then did I realise how much I wanted to be in it. Maybe it wasn't about playing a part in the committee but more about personal pride. I felt dejected, belittled and small. Was I worse off than any one of them standing in front of me? Am I the less equal among the equal ones? What you want don't always match what you get. But why is it constantly a mismatch for me?

Headed off to the library to photocopy notes. Bloody RBR books. Had to get 4 RBR books. The librarians can never get my name right, not even the Chinese ones- " Ng Jin Ho", "Ng Jin Ho". Maybe it's time to get an Ang Moh name. Ppl always remember Ang Moh names and pronounce them better. After getting my first book, I headed to the photocopy room. The room was packed with expressionless, pale-looking people going through the same mechanical motion. They were like zombies. After 50 pages, I became a zombie like them. There is this cold, freaky atmosphere abt the photocopy room. It does something to people who enters it. It sucks away your Yang Qi (Yang energy).

I discovered a bloody pimple growing on my left butt cheek. How did the pimple get there? I had half the mind to post a pic of it on this post. But after much deliberation, I decided that it's best to keep my butt to myself. Anyone out there who ever had pimples on their butt- Do they heal fast?

Al-Azhar... Pratas for the soul.

2005-08-30T01:46:00.000+08:00

I really shouldn't be blogging now. I have a lecture at 10 am and I still have to prepare for EL 3221- Literary Stylistics tutorial. This really is my most sucidal module to date. I'm just so lost in this mod, dunno what the hell the lecturer talking abt siah. Read the Qns for tomorrow's tutorial and still havent got a clue. Fuck it, I'll just go throw some smoke grenades tomorrow. When you can't give intelligent answers, just confuse everybody.

Had supper with the guys at Al-Azhar. Kinda like a post-birthday celebration for Mingster. Shrek was in a hyper BitchFiT mode due to the Macbeth's mother-in-law incident. Synopsis of incident- a ridiculous Pot and a Almost full baggage. There were updates on Ray as well.
To Ray: Sorry to hear about you but don't fret, there just might be greener pastures out there for your itchy J Lo ass.
There was also excessive Teh-Pengs. Kumwei was just high on Teh-Pengs. I never understand the system they use at some prata shops. Can't they just keep the slips they take orders on and charge according to those slips? Do they have to come over and recount all the stuff we ordered? Where's the BRAINS people? Great that we meet up b4 everyone starts flying off.

Treats:

For a Paris Hilton delight: visit http://boreme.com/boreme/funny-2005/paris-hilton-banned-ad-p1.php (not a link to the infamous One Night in Paris clip. but that one is easily downloadable)

For a spoof of that: visit http://boreme.com/boreme/funny-2005/rethink-recruiting-p1.php?fromrelated=1

To know more abt the dubious relationship bet Bush and Blair, see George Bush and Tony Blair's rendition of GAy BAr: http://boreme.com/boreme/funny-2003/f_gay_bar-p1.php

Boreme.com is a really good remedy for Bo Liao moments.

(Everybody's) leaving on a jet plane, who knows when (everybody) will be back again...

Toking cock liao, time to sleep liao, too much Teh in my system liao.

Enough

2005-08-27T14:23:00.000+08:00

I was scanning through and deleting messages in my handphone inbox when I chance upon this message:

"From XXX

Hey i'm back :) meet up sometime for coffee or sth k. "

It dated 06/07/2005.

She's back for vacation from Australia. I remember I replied her: "Sure." She never called or messaged me after this message. What happened to meet up for coffee or sth? It's been nearly 2 months and I don't even know if she's back in Australia. I didn't initiate any meetings with her because I was tired of being the one making her feel important when in fact I don't really mean much to her. Nothing more than a PR event she could choose whether or not to attend to (attending to only when she had spare time). I'm tired of being the one asking. I'm sick of feeling like shit and giving without any returns. I won't be a sucker anymore.

Get out of my mouth, get out of my head, get out of my mind, stop putting words in my head.
TLC- Dear Lie

冷笑话s...

2005-08-26T22:34:00.000+08:00

冷死我了！

1.
一天，面条和包子打架，面条不敌逃跑了。
包子追到到一个小巷子里看到快熟面在那里，冲上去把快熟面爆打了一顿。
走时丢下一句话：“不要以为你把头发烫卷了我就不认识你了！”

2.
Q：Tuna sushi 和 salmon sushi 经常碰面，但是从不打招呼。为十么？
A：因为他们不“熟”。

3.
有个人, 他肠胃不好.一天,他来到胃病医院看病, 对医生说: "我吃什么拉什么, 吃西瓜拉西瓜, 吃黄瓜拉黄瓜! "
医生想了想, 对他说: "我看你只有吃屎了! "

4.
Q：世界上什么鸡跑的最慢？
A：妮可基，因为妮可基曼（慢）

5.
小狗，小猫和小羊一同到7－11 买东西。这间7－11 的店员是出了名的恶霸，经常毒打顾客。
小狗鼓起勇气说： “我才不怕他！”，便走进店里。不到一会儿，小狗便被打得鼻青脸肿。
小猫不怕死的说：“我才不怕他！”，便走进店里。不到一会儿，小猫也被打得鼻青脸肿。
小羊跟着也进了店里，但是却没被打。为什么？
因为7－11 24小时不打烊（羊）

Q：刘德华的忘情水是谁给的？

A：Ah- Ha. 因为， Ah-Ha~..., 给我一杯忘情水。。。

Q:郑秀文最舍不得的是谁？

A：爷爷。因为，我舍不得你... Ye~Ye~... (爷爷)

Just think about it.

2005-08-25T01:59:00.000+08:00

Hunger

Poverty

Starvation

Survival

It's another day for you and me in paradise.

美女大对决！

2005-08-23T02:48:00.000+08:00

I am the epitome of beauty...

你过时了。我才是超级无敌大美女，如花是也。。。

大家好，哦是许纯美， Chunmei Xu.
哦才是美女。大家要学佛哦。。。

Mmm... 讨厌，人家才是大美女。。。

Please leh. 你们这些贱货滚开 la。 I am Singapore's flower ohkay.
Li Ma Si Gan Na Sai

Huh? 白素贞？。。。？

Please Ladies...

Boring Life, Boring Post

2005-08-23T01:49:00.000+08:00

Wanted to wake up at 9.30 today, so I could have breakfast b4 school. Set my alarm to 9.30. When the alarm rang at 9.30, I simply shut the damn thing off and went back to sleep. Woke up at 10.15 in the end. Lesson starts at 11. As usual, I'm going to be late. Another mad rush to the bus stop. Fortunately, the bus stop wasn't packed with NUS freaks like me. The other day, by the time I got there, the bus stop was polluted with NUS students, overcrowding the place like ants. It was an exodus. And this was the stop before the MRT stop. This was supposed to be the uncrowded stop. Go to the other bus stop, Freaks. Stop polluting the air around me.

Lessons were boring, boring, boring... Tutorial- Lunch break- Tutorial- Lecture- Screening. During lecture today, I asked R: "Which slot are you in?" (She was in a different tutorial from me) She replied: "Well, that sounded crude." Crude? WTF? How is that crude? I'm kinda getting irritated by her uppety, correctly pronounced English. But OK lah, the ppl in lit tutorial quite nice and friendly.

Headed home after screening, then blah.. blah.. blah... Asked a few friends if they wanted to go KTV tomorrow. I still have the voucher from our previous trip. All not very gian- have to work, do homework, no money... Sianz. So I sang to myself in my birthday suit (in the shower).

Trivia:
I googled my blog and found out I am actually linked by Disorder Resource: the biggest disorder resource on the internet. I'm the number 1. search for Receeding Hand Nails, based on my nail and LKY posts. Haha... what crap! So much for reliable and efficient search engines. If only it happened for, Beaumonde, the eating disorder website my team made last semester.

Sign
Kermit, the frog with 2 faces
Still the angry blogger

Mr Lonely

2005-08-21T01:03:00.000+08:00

Lonely... I'm Mr Lonely... I have nobody... but on my own...

Another day at home on a Saturday. In the morning, I sent my Grandma to the Chinese physician. In the afternoon, I head down to Video EZ and borrowed Casablanca- need it for my film module. After watching 2 hours of black and white film, I fell asleep. Woke up for dinner at my Grandma's place. Taught my cousin Pri 4 math after dinner... nearly didn't know how to solve one for the questions:

1/4 of the yellow balls equals to 1/2 the blue balls. What is the fraction of blue balls? (Give your answer in the smallest term)

I came up with an answer but not positively sure if it's correct. haha... I know I was never good with math, but PRI 4 math?!!? WTF! At least I managed to score A2 for E math and B3 for A Math. If you think you know the answer, pls leave your answer in Comments, so I can tally with my answer. haha...

Caught the Man U vs Aston Villa match at Grandma's place. Glad that Man U is on track and Van Nistelrooy is starting to look sharp again. (Mostly Man U fans in my family). Hope Arsenal and Chelsea draws, Henry and Crespo break their legs...

Came back home after the match. Lazed around as usual. Planned my finalized timetable for the week. Made a list of what to do tomorrow. Got on the net. Sometimes it is just irritating to log on to MSN and see no one online. Only ten people were online and most were Away. It's Saturday night and everyone is out having fun. Everyone is too busy and preoccupied with their own lifes, their new lifes. New dates, new friends, new social circles. Who cares anymore? I used to care but now I try not to. The more you care, the more irritated you get when people simply don't appreciate it. I have done many stupid things b4, and they were simply not appreciated. Made me feel like a fool. Sianzz...

Bloody no more lab assistant job liao. I was temporarily allocated Wed duties until the finalization of timetable. Then, we were supposed to sort it out later. I didn't ask for Wed. Now that timetable is finalized and I don't want to do it on Wed as Wed is my free day, the guy tells me that "Sorry, nobody wants to exchange duty". WTF!!! He found a replacement for me liao. I've been begging people since last week to exchange duty with me. But who cares? Sianz... Ok lah, I lazy lah. Wed can do one, just that I don't want to go back school on my free day just to do duty- Stupid and Bo Liao right? Fuck it lah.

Lonely... I'm Mr Lonely... I have nobody... but on my own...
Akon- Lonely

Sign
Kermit, the frog with 2 faces...

Flying Object

2005-08-18T01:54:00.000+08:00

Flying object outside the window.

Gardenia Bread (*pic taken off gardenia.com.sg)

I was at the front of my computer when I saw, with the corner of my eye, a flying object outside the window. I turned around and saw something ridiculous. It was a Gardenia bread plastic wrapper. I live on the 8th floor and it flew all the way up. Siao Bo...

Here we go again... S R Nathan again...

2005-08-18T01:25:00.000+08:00

Extract from Channelnewsasia ( article dates 17th August 2005)

SINGAPORE : Singapore President SR Nathan has been re-elected to a second six-year term in office. Returning officer Tan Boon Huat announced this when nomination for the Elected Presidency closed at noon on Wednesday.

Mr Tan said, "At the close of Nomination at 12 noon today, I accepted only one set of Nomination papers -- that of Mr SR Nathan. No valid objection to the nomination paper was made by, or to me. Mr Nathan therefore is the sole candidate at the close of nomination. I hereby declare the President of the Republic of Singapore, Mr SR Nathan." Delivering a short speech in the four official languages, Mr Nathan thanked all his supporters, most of whom hailed from the labour movement.

Mr Nathan filed his nomination papers at about 11.20am, shortly after he arrived at the Nomination Centre set up at the People's Association in Stadium Link. He was accompanied by his proposer, seconder and four assentors. Eighty-one-year-old Mr Nathan was the only candidate qualified to stand for election, having been issued the Certificate of Eligibility by the Presidential Elections Committee.

Three others who filed for the certificate were rejected. One of them was former Group Chief Financial Officer of JTC Corporation, Andrew Kuan. The other two were former tutor and realtor Ooi Boon Ewe, and Ramachandran Govindasamy Naidu, a retired senior storekeeper from the Commonwealth Forces. The Presidential Elections Committee, in rejecting them, said their career history showed they did not have the comparable responsibility necessary for the office of the Presidency.

Please refer to the "PRESS STATEMENT BY THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS COMMITTEE ON APPLICATIONS FOR CERTIFICATES OF ELIGIBILITY" and see the committee's justification for their rejection of the other candidates.

I had been looking forward to my first legal vote in an election. But today, it is yet another walkover. The only time we had a "true" democratic presidential election was in 1993, 12 years ago. Mr Ong Teng Cheong's became our 1st elected president. And sadly, at least from my standpoint, he was the last. So much for the democracy that we pledge for. Do we really lack talented (old) man who can represent, unit and symbolise the spirit of the nation? Is it true that Singaporeans just can't be bothered with politics? Or is it just that we can't be bothered with Singapore politics? Sometimes, you can't blame Singaporeans for reactly coldly to local politics. Look at the way the game is played here. Politics here bring fear, not democracy. Most Singaporeans have "politicile dysfunction"(PD). Most of us are political dummies.

Look at how the media blatantly portray President S R Nathan vs. the way they present Andrew Kuan. Does the opposition parties ever get media coverage? Yes they do - mostly on their way to court or jail. OK, credit must be given to the peace and stability provided by the Singaporean style of "democracy". But isn't it time we moved on? We can't keep on acting like a democracy, we have to start becoming one.

Ting Cor(s)

2005-08-18T01:08:00.000+08:00

CORS broke down again during tutorial balloting. What's wrong with this world class institution?
NUS finally decided to do something about it. Just follow the instructions below for troubleshooting:

Click on pic to view content. (funny)

绝对SUPERSTAR。有我，哪有他

2005-08-18T00:57:00.000+08:00

4th year NUS Econs Major VS 盲侠

Click on pic to read content

*Photo courtesy of hardwarezone forum (EDMW).

绝对SUPERSTAR Part 2

2005-08-17T00:08:00.000+08:00

绝对SUPERSTAR, 有你就有他...

Finally, we are allowed to enter the premise proper and we made our way to the theatre. We reached this carpark place, and had to wait there again for the theatre to be ready. Finally, we were given the green light. Then we had to walk a few flights down into the basement area to reach the theatre. Mafan siah...

Xinhui supporters with banners outside theatre.

We were lined up according to F1 and F2 supporters outside the theatre. Xinhui supporters were clearly the more enthu ones. They looked as though they were holding an election campaign. They started cheering outside the theatre. Our side did counter back when an enthu auntie from our side led the more enthu Kelly supporters into cheering. (I wasn't one of the enthu ones). I can't believe, for today, I was one of those xiao ginna (crazy kids) that my Ah Ma like to complain about when she sees them on TV. She can't understand why kids get so crazy. But I heard back in those days, she and many aunties were just as crazy over her fav teochew opera singer, Tan Chor Hwee. They used to give her GOLD (genuine stuff) as present. Talk abt crazy.

绝对SUPERSTAR stage

When I got into the theatre, it was much smaller than expected. It was about the size of my secondary school's performing arts centre- Disappointing. We were seated according to who we supported. Kelly supporters on the right, Xinhui supporters on the left. The line was split in the middle. I got this lousy seat, right behing the main camera, but OK lah, still can see. This host came out. He said he was a 93.3fm deejay, Weixiong I think. He was like a crowd warmer and instructed the audience on conduct and seating plan. He kept repeating himself that he got quite irritating. He was kinda lame too, but he did a good job I guess. I dunno how long we had to wait, but I was falling asleep b4 they finally began filming. They started filming all the Wayang stuff. Telling us to look excited and clap/holding up our banners. We were given a giant Kelly banner to hold. Good, I can hide my face behind the banner... They filmed all that and were going to edit all this "excitement" into the program. Did a few round of that and finally the hosts were invited onto the stage. We were warned against taking pictures during filming. Therefore, being a good boi, I do not have any pics of the performances. Anyway the stage was too far away for my N7610.

ZM and Mingster with giant Kelly banner!

*Pics taken off Channel U website
F1

Kelly VS Xinhui

F2

It was the Tiger Cup of chinese pop music. Kelly (sg) vs Xinhui (mas). They were asked to sing 3 songs... blah blah blah. All that you will see on TV on Thursday night, 18/08/05, 8.30pm on Channel U. It was childish but fun. We blended in with the teens and acted like one. Xinhui fans are really enthu. They even brought pompons and their spirits were high. I feel that the contestants sound better live, than on TV. You can really hear their Power! The judges comments were damn long lah, nearly fall asleep. Fang Zhong Hua is really lame lah, like he always is with all his weird analogies. Today, he came up with a Soon Kuey analogy. Quite funny and embarrassing to see myself caught on screen, with all the eye bags. Hope nobody notices me on TV, esp my Ah Ma. (Low chance,- she don't watch Superstar). I thought Mediacorp might have paid extras to act as fans but I'm surprised that most of them are really fans from the public (路人s). The past contestants were invited to watch the show.Seeing them in real life- All of them much shorter than I thought. Whenever the chance arise, fans went mad, screaming the names of their fav idols. Derrick is clearly the fav among young girls. The girls were crazy over him. Really siao! Most shiok part is I got to know the results b4 anyone else.

*Spoiler: Kelly scored lower points than Xinhui for all 3 songs. Damn. But Xinhui was good lah!

Mingster damn sad bec his fav is Kelly. ZM was like "Die Liao, Must call many 电话 liao." But I just got this feeling that all the phonecall rubbish is just a hoax. Just a marketing strategy and profitable biz.

The filming finally comes to a close. Contestants and judges went up the stage to congratulate the 2 female contestants.

Kelly and Xinhui getting hugged...

The 93.3fm deejay host guy came out again and told us that there is a possibility of us staying to watch the male contestants compete. ZM and Mingster didn't want to stay as it was late and they were supposedly sad that Kelly输了 and lost interest. I didn't mind staying back to watch. ZM's friends decided to stay to watch. As I was hitching a ride from Zm and I didn't know his friends well, I left with him. Yah lah, it was kinda late liao. It was approaching 10pm when we left. By the time the male contestants finished competing, it would be past midnight liao.

We headed to Thomson for prata. I tried the Bomb prata. Quite nice- Honey and Margarine in prata. But quite sweet. So just order one is enough. Order other type of prata if still not full. WL on diet bec Mingster said she was getting fat. haha... Finish Makan liao, we made our way home. I became a teen again (and a 追星族) for a day.

绝对SUPERSTAR Part 1

2005-08-16T23:36:00.000+08:00

绝对SUPERSTAR，有你就有他...

All thanks to ZM, I had a chance to attend the recording of 绝对SUPERSTAR. My first real visit to Caldecott Hill. Tonight, they recorded the final battle between the 2 remaining female contestants, Kelly vs Xinhui.

Met up with Mingster and shared a cab to Mediacorp. Being the typical suaku Singaporean, I took some pics at the main entrance. My sis lent her digicam to her friend, so I had to make do with my N7610 camera phone . So a bit pixelated. Sianzz...

Mediacorp RADAR!

SUPERSTAR banner at entrance

Mr X. with the "famous" Mediacorp logo.

When we reached, I realised we were overaged. Surrounding us were supporters in their teens. I felt like an Ah Peh(Uncle). ZM arrived with his gf, WL and we made out way in to meet up with ZM's friends. There were 7 of us altogether. When we went in, I was glad to see quite a few "auntie" fans- Cool, I'm not the oldest. The entrance was packed with supporters, mainly in their teens. Xinhui's camp was to be in red. Kelly's camp was to be in blue. Since my friends were Kelly supporters, all 7 of us wore blue. I don't really have a fave and don't really chase after them, but I do watch lah. To me, the guys competition like more exciting. I guess I support Derrick, but he out liao. I thought that Kelly's supporters were not very ON. Very few wore blue. Xinhui's camp on the other hand was damn enthu. Nearly all wore red, like national day- most of them wearing I Love Singapore T-shirts.- must be recycle from National Day (No wonder so many of them wear). We had to first write our name, IC and contact no. on the admission ticket. I and Mingster proceeded to the reception counter to borrow pen. Then the stupid Malay auntie give us attitude and Bo Hiu/ Bo Chap us when we ask her for pen. Luckily, got this kind gentleman lent us his pen. The Malay auntie must be stay at Mediacorp too long liao- think she diva. Now, had to queue up at the entrance to get in. Sianzz...

Crowded entrance/reception/waiting area

Group of teenage fans waiting

Mingster posing with admission ticket.

Pulau Ubin Stories

2005-08-13T23:02:00.000+08:00

Last week, November, a writer for Ubin Stories, chanced upon my blog and saw the entry on Ubin. November liked some of the pictures and wrote an article on depleting Kelongs around the Ubin area. So now, I'm kinda featured on Pulau Ubin Stories. However, I had made a mistake and it turns out that the "Kelong" I went to, was most probably a fish farm. (My apologies to November for the mess up.) Hence, the change in heading from "Kelong" to "fish farm" on my ubin entry. Do visit Pulau Ubin Stories- provides really good info, articles and pictures on Ubin life.

上学啦。。。

2005-08-08T01:21:00.000+08:00

A new school semester starts today and this song rings in my head.

小嘛。小儿郎。。。背着那书包上学堂.

不怕那太阳晒，也不怕风雨挡。

Lyrics a bit unsure, but something like that.

Sunset- the happy side

2005-08-08T00:18:00.000+08:00

Went jogging yesterday because I was too bored at home. Stamina now quite telok. Only run 2km already feel bei tahan. Need to get back my stamina. Used to run 10km without feeling the strain. There's a running track just below my block that links to Sunset area. It isn't the stadium kind of track, but rather a track that runs beside a huge water canal that links to sunset area. There are some really enthu people who run there everyday without fail. Also, there are maids who work in the Mt Sinai area who walk their dogs there as an excuse to meet up and gossip. Towards the end of the running track, I saw Donut doing stretching excerises (Donut from TCS8 last time... the short stumpy guy.) I didn't wish to turn back so early as I was bored of staying at home and my mum just came back home from an unpleasant day at work. This means endless nag, nag, nag. So I decided to venture into the Sunset area(there was another running track there). I was tired and lazy, so I decided to walk.

As I approached Sunset, it was around 6 plus and the sun was setting. How lame, sunset at Sunset. But Sunset does look more beautiful at sunset. I don't know why but the people over that side looked happier. I saw this couple holding hands and walking down the track. They were happy and all smiles, the smile of love. I could hear birds returning to their nests and were "cooing" away.

(Luckily, there weren't so many trees and birds. Otherwise, the picturesque scene would become a nightmare. I would be trying hard to avoid birdshit. There's this stretch of road near my block that is infested by nesting birds. You become the target board if you pass by at the wrong time. The birds rain down birdshit like machine guns and there are shit stains all over the cement floor.)

Back to beautiful sunset... I could smell freshly cut grass. The grass by the side of the tracks had just been trimmed and the air was filled with the smell of fresh grass. In my mind, I could hear the sound of the "grass-cutter" slicing away at the grass. I could imagine the blades rotating at such a high speed that you could no longer make out the shape of the blade. I don't know why, but since young, "Banglas"(no offence) cutting grass had always left a deep impression on me.

As I walked further, I approached a nicely designed (nice for Singapore HDB design standards) overhead bridge that linked HDBs flat over the canal. I walked up the bridge. On my right was where I came from. On my left, I could see the abandoned raliway of Sunset. I remember being there years ago. Nicholas stayed at Sunset and he brought me there once. I can't remember who else was there, but I think there were 3 or 4 of us. It felt rebellious and anti-establishment standing on an abandoned railway at the age of 15/16. I felt like James Dean, a rebel without a cause. There were scribbles in liquid paper all over the black steel structure of the railway. Scribbles of eternal love- "B loves C forever." and the self-gratifying "B was here on ...". I think I'd pay a visit there again someday. But certainly not during this month, and certainly not at night. Haha... Somehow, at sunset, the side with the railway could pass off as a European countryside. I guess the rustic abandoned railway, the canal water running under it and the colour of sunset light combine to create an illusion.

It was getting late and I decided to head back home. As I walked back, I saw this woman probably in her 40s, feeding a stray cat. She hadn't noticed me. But when she knew I saw her feedling the cat, she gave me a hostile yet guilty glare. That's the kind of glare that I usually get from "stray cat feeders". I have one SCF feeding cats living in the void decks of my block. She ususlly feeds at midnight. When she sees me noticing her, she would give me the same glare. I read that expression as: "So what? I like cats and I'm feeding them. Even if they are stray. I don't care what you think. There's nothing wrong with what I'm doing." I guess some people object to feeding of stray cats because by doing that, you attract more cats into that area and they might "make friends" and expand their colony. But I'm OK with it. I think it's really humane to care for stray animals.

As I head back home, I thought to myself how simple life could be. I felt light and refreshed. We often neglect what we have around us and often seek things that we don't have. Once in a while we should all take time to reflect on the simple happiness around us. But I guess it is just human nature to strive for what we don't have, to neglect what we already have. Human beings can never be happy until we give everything up- Too Nirvana and 阿弥陀佛。 Getting too philosophical here. All these years, I have been living on the unhappy side. Am I ready to cross over to the happy side?

鬼门开。。。

2005-08-07T00:19:00.000+08:00

Wanted to type this post in Chinese but it would take too much effort and time with Chinese Star. It is officially the 7th month on the Lunar Calendar, the start of the Hungry Ghost Festival. Albeit an inappropriate comparison, you can see it as Chinese Halloween. At the stroke of midnight when 31th of the sixth month and 1st of the seventh month cross path, the gates of hell opens and our good brothers from beneath are given a holiday on this mortal world. A grand procession and a giant burning ceremony takes place. The good brothers will linger among us for the entire 7th month before they return down under. In contrast to all the fun, partying and playing dress up of Halloween, the Hungry Ghost Festival is all about respect. To ensure harmony in existence, mortals have to pay respects to our good brothers. All this involves a little bit of "bribing". Buying their hearts to prevent them from creating havoc. People also take the chance to pay respects to loved ones who had passed away. This would mean burning of incense, which symbolises money and wealth that could be used in the underworld/afterlife. Some people also offered food. I guess materialism is in the very core of Chinese culture, even after we die.

As time progresses, the nature of Hungry Ghost has evolved. The fundamentals are basically the same but the "tools" and "hardware" have changed tremendously. For the 80+% of us leaving in HDB flats, these pictures would be a familiar sight.

Metal containers for incense burning

Metal containers are placed at common areas so as to avoid people burning directly on grass on concrete floor. I was helping my Ah Ma pay respects. The smoke from burning can be choking and suffocating. I really pity those who live on the 2nd floor.

Resident on the 2nd Floor

The windows were intially open. But after 2 mins of intense fuming, the windows were shut tight.

The essential "tools" needed for paying respect are red candles (must be red), incense (stick), and hell notes (incense paper). Food is also offered sometimes.

Incense (stick) and Red candles/ Traditional Incense Paper

Incense paper is supposed to represent olden hell notes that good brothers can spend when they return down under. I learnt to fold them into this round, "lotus" layer kind of "pattern" from my Ah Ma. It makes separating the notes and burning easier. When burning for loved ones, remember to include your loved ones name on a piece of red paper. This is to ensure your loved one gets the "package" and prevent other good brothers from looting. Burning for loved ones and good brothers in general is held separately.

With modernity come new inventions.

The modern Hell Bank Notes that come in denominations of google zillions

(ie. 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,...)

At present, you can burn whatever you fancy. You name it, they have it. They are paper aeroplanes, credit cards, cars, TV, houses (mansions)... You can even burn a paper maid. Also, during this period, there would be performances staged to entertain the good brothers. Traditionally, these are Chinese Wayang shows but have now evolved into Getai shows featuring skimpily dressed girls singing and dancing to the beat of Mandarin/Cantonese/Hokkien remixes and "less well-known" singers singing Hokkien favourites.

Daily Necessities

This is something that looked interesting. Diagrams of clothes, shoes, socks and all daily necessities are drawn on these paper. They are like the all-in-one that would cater to all daily "living" needs.

Although I don't believe in the afterlife, a part of me is still very Pantan and would rather be safe than sorry. So I already asked for the good brothers for understanding and forgiveness after taking pictures of their offerings. I seek forgiveness for any offence committed.

Lunar 7th month code of conduct
Do not return home after 12 midnight.
Do not step on burnt incense- If you do, apologise straight away.
Do not say anything if you smell the scent of frangipani.
Do not say you do not believe in such things, or else...

Behave and Beware. Good Luck...

眼不见为净。宁可信其有。

For more interesting facts on Hungry Ghost, you can visit Chinatownboy's blog.

Where have all the Kermits gone~ Oh Huh...

2005-08-04T01:27:00.000+08:00

Just finished reading through all my archives. Suddenly realised how colourful (metaphorically speaking) my initial blogs are. They were so much more positive. So much more meaningful. Makes more sense. So much more fun. I have become such a dark, angry blogger. I need to find back my old self...

My mind is a storm

2005-08-03T23:21:00.000+08:00

The bidding system is just pissing me off. They expect us to sit in front of the computer, round the clock, to monitor the CORS system? A self-proclaimed world class institution can't even provide a server that can handle the bidding of Round 2A? The server/ CORS malfunctioned during the last hour of close bidding. What's wrong with those idiots who dump 1000 points into bidding a module? The lowest bid for one of the modules I wanted was 1000 points. I only have 120 points. I am giving up on bidding and pinning my hopes on appeals. Think I will just be a good boy and attend the lectures. Act pathetic, Get down on my knees, Hug the lecturer's feet, Beg him/her, Cry and lick the lecturer's toes if I have to. Haha... I'm a little mentally unsound now.

I am so bored at home. Nothing to do. Too lazy to do anything. Nobody to do anything with me. Sleep twice a day. At times like this, my mind just goes crazy, sink into self pity and think of all the nonsense. I 'm the sort that needs a goal, something to keep me occupied. All my friends seem so preoccupied with their own lifes. Sometimes I just feel like the man that wasn't there. It has always been. I want to know what's going on. But often, I'm the one that nobody tells anything to. I'm like this passing shadow that can be done without. Always the crowd filler, never the essential brew. Always the 2nd, 3rd, 4th fiddle... I know my personality plays in part in how people perceive me and make people relate to me in a certain way. It's hard to relate to me or feel really close to me. I know that and I hate that. But that's just the way I am. Perhaps bad experiences in the past may have made me what I am today.

I like people who are true. "Fake" people just serve to entertain me. I want true feelings from people. I need it honest. I don't want sympathy. I'm too proud for that. I don't want friends who read this blog to suddenly see that I need attention and start showing me attention. That's just too fake. Not that people are reading my blog anyways. Yet, at the same time, I need to feel and know that I am important. Ironic, huh? I just want the impossible. That's harsh. Maybe it's just near impossible but not impossible. Just very very rare. I just feel that what's unsaid is more important than what's said. But not saying anything makes it hard for people to know how you feel. Maybe I should learn to speak up more, but that won't be my true self. Maybe I belong to the ancient times in the Chinese Martial World (Wu Lin). haha... Is there anyone out there?- Oh Eh Eh Oh!!!... When will that special someone appear for me? Am I the one blocking everyone out? I just need to start accepting myself first.

Storms in the microcosm are reflected in the macrocosm. My room probably reflects the state of my mind. I am plenty of free time but I can't be bothered to pack up my room.

All the above blabbering is a result of extreme boredom. It's time to do something.
Like the Nike ad says: Reincarnate.
Time to get a new life.

Memories of Ubin

2005-07-31T00:01:00.000+08:00

Fishfarm off Ubin... Not Kelong...

Pulau Ubin...

Leaving Ubin...

How I spent 30 July 2005

2005-07-30T23:23:00.002+08:00

Woke up at 11.45 am. It was pouring. I had kicked my blanket out of bed and was freezing. I woke up, anticipating nothing. I knew it was one of those days where nothing was going to happen. One of those boring days you hope you were at a faraway beach resort, glistening under the hot sun, listening to the sound of waves hitting unto the beach. But here I was, stuck within the confines of cold hard walls. I made do with letfovers in the fridge to fill my empty stomach. I switched on the telly. I was alone.

12 Snapshots from a plane!

2005-07-28T21:59:00.000+08:00

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12

Photos courtesy of Ali...cia, Kenneth, Virgil, Marcus the Bitch and Kermit

Impressions of Mong Kok

2005-07-24T11:06:00.000+08:00

旺角黑夜。。。

I am so pissed right now...

2005-07-19T23:16:00.000+08:00

I was at Shell near Boon Lay, Jurong Point, topping up my car. I decided to try V power for once because I wanted to feel the POWER. It was at $1.85 per litre. I smugly told the attendant: "Full tank, V Power" and I walked in to pay up. Only then, I realised how much it could add up too. I calculated at around 40 litres, it would cost me around $74. When I checked my account balance yesterday, there was only $94 left. I wondered how many $10 I have withdrawn since. The sign outside the station stated: "5% off petrol." Great... 5% means a whooping discount of $3.50. I could only think off how embarrassing it would be if I didn't have enough money to pay up.

Then, I saw a glimmer of hope!!!.... on the cashier's desk was a sign ( +9% discount for Shell Escape card holders). I knew I had to get the shell card to salvage a possibly humiliating and embarassing situation. I told the cashier my pump number and that I wanted to apply for the Escape card. She told me something like I had to apply for the card first. I then told her that I wanted to apply. I'm not sure if she heard me, but she asked me again what I wanted. I repeated: " I want to apply for the card." She then passed me an application form and told me to move to another table to fill it up as there were customers waiting behind me. This, she did, without handing me a pen. She must have heard me saying that I had no pen, for she casually asked another colleague of hers to hand me a pen. At that point, I was already quite irritated by her poor manners that she spoke to me with.

I then filled up the application form and proceeded to pay up. I didn't realise that I hadn't signed on the application form. I know this is stupidity on my part- Which form doesn't require a signature?- but the line on the form was so faint. She then gave me the most sarcastic remark I had to suffer for the night, "请签上你的大名 hor!" I was boiling inside. I looked at her 嘴脸 and I felt like giving her a tight slap. But I was a wimp. Guess what I did. I said: " 对不起”and signed my name on the application form. I am such a loser, such a 窝囊废。 I was bullied. I still can't believe I did that. I handed her my POSB debit card. She then said in the bei gam wan (不甘愿) attitude voice: "Visa or Nets". I said Nets and she proceeded with the transaction. She then gave me a very rude: "PIN NUMBER Piss (mispronounced Please)". I wanted to smash her face. All my limited Hokkien vocab (KNNBCCB) filled my mind. But I was a wimp. I just gave her the black face look and left.

I left feeling humiliated, like a wimp, like the loser. I am angry for not standing up for myself, for my dignity, for my existence as a human being. I was so angry, I couldn't enjoy feeling the POWER of V Power on my way back. I didn't even take note of that bloody bitch's name. I am the bloody customer and I bloody topped up a full tank of V Power. Who the hell is she to talk to me like that? That Bitch!!! I still have her stupid 嘴脸 in my mind. I swear that if I face such a situation again, I will defend my rights. It's time I got the treatment I deserve. I am sick and tired of people treating me like shit, like I'm not important. You fuck me the next time, I'll make sure I fuck you back. To all those who had ever made me feel bad or shitty about myself, Fuck You...

Nail Pitting. Any Ideas, anyone?

2005-06-17T16:50:00.000+08:00

Nail with pits

2005-06-17T16:49:00.001+08:00

Good nail

2005-06-17T16:49:00.000+08:00

The bad and the good nails

Around 3 months ago, I noticed deformity on my left hand middle finger nail. The nail became thinner and pits (holes) started to form on the nail. Now, the entire nail is covered with pits. The condition got worse as the pits started appearing on other fingernails as well. Some fingers were more severely affected than the others, with the original "pitted" fingernail- the LH Middle Finger, being the most damaged. Now the only unaffected survivors are my left hand index fingernail and right hand middle fingernail.

I consulted a dermatologist and he couldn't give me a definite condition. He went on with the usual blah blah that a doctor gives when he was unsure about a condition,

Dr. Seow: "There can be many reasons for this. It could be fungus infection. Or it could be @%$^@^$, @$#^$&, @#$%#$.... "

He gave a list of conditons that I couldn't even spell.

Dr. Seow: "Not to worry. I will run a test for you. All I need to do is to scrap some nail samples"

He took out a surgical knife looking thing and scrapped off the top layer of my LH middle fingernail.

Dr Seow: "It will take around 15-20 mins. You can go and have coffee first. I will call your number again"
Me: "OK"

I left the room and waited.

15 minutes later, Number 0930 blinked once again ouside Room 3. I proceeded in and Dr Seow said: "It is not fungus infection. So to get a immediate diagnosis, I would have to remove a part of you nail near the finger bed, but that would permanently damage your nail and leave a hole there. I don't think I would want to do that. Hahaha.... I will just give you some medication to apply."

Dr Seow: "Do you have asthma?"
Me: "No"
Dr Seow: "What abt your family?"
Me: "Not with my direct family"
Dr Seow: "Have you been experiencing sudden hair loss?"
Me: "I've always had thin hair, so I don't think.... no."
Dr Seow: " Did you handle any chemicals over the last 3 months?"
Me: "No"
Dr Seow: "There isn't a big problem here. The medication I'm going to give you is actually for the hair because they don't make this specially for the nails. hahaha... I'm going to write it down in case the pharmacists gets confused. Hair, nail and skin are all related and are the specialties of dermatologists. hahaha... Try this lotion, apply them on the nail bed of affected nails. After 2 or 3 months, if there is no improvement, come to me again. haha... OK?
Me: "So, there's nothing wrong?"
Dr Seow: "Nothing serious, haha..."
Me: "OK, thanks"

I left the room feeling like it was a waste of my time.

Kermit's 5W+H

2005-06-17T15:20:00.000+08:00

What is NETS?

NETS logo

Ignorant me had always thought that NETS was a global initiative and everyone in the world was using NETS. But the fact is that:

NETS stands for Network for Electronic Transfers (Singapore) Pte Ltd.
It is in fact a Singaporean initative.

NETS was founded as a result of a need for a centralised e-Payment operator by Singapore’s local banks: DBS, Keppel Bank, OCBC, OUB, POSB, Tat Lee Bank and UOB.
NETS is now owned by DBS, OCBC and UOB. The first product launched was the NETS EFTPOS (electronic fund transfers at point-of-sale) service. This allowed Singaporeans to use a card and a PIN number to automatically withdraw funds from their bank accounts at points-of-sale.NETS then introduced the shared ATM network in 1988. DBS, Keppel Bank, OCBC, OUB, POSB, Tat Lee Bank and UOB cardholders could use the ATM facilities of any of these banks.

In 1996, NETS also introduced CashCards – a stored value smart card for use in retail purchases.

NETS products and services are currently marketed throughout Asia, including China, Hongkong and South East Asia.

Kermit's 5W+H

2005-06-17T01:21:00.000+08:00

What is Bossa Nova?

Bossa Nova is:

The music, born of a marriage of Brazilian rhythms and American Jazz. The dance, which is said to have originated at Carnegie Hall in 1961, is based on the slower, more subtle Salon Samba and features either type of Clave Beat or a Jazz Samba in 4/4 time.

www.arthurmurraydayton.com/Dance%20Dictionary.htm

A Brazilian fusion of cool jazz elements with various Brazilian rhythms, including the baiáo but particularly the samba. Often wrongly considered Afro-Brazilian, it is a sophisticated and recent form developed by hip musicians and avant-guarde poets. Most were white, though Bola Sete a leading bossa nova guitarist, is an exception.

www.latinsheetmusic.com/latinmusicglossary.html

Heard of Antonio Carlos Jobim's -"Girl From Ipanema"? (sampling)
(scroll down to bottom of page to Track 4 under Listen to Samples)
The English version of this song was first released in the LP "Getz/Gilberto", on MGM/Verve. It is perhaps the best known bossa nova groove. Lyrics

For alternative sampling choices:
1) Ann Marie's Version
(Portuguese)
2) Midi Version (good quality midi)
(Run mouse over "click here" and click to hear file in Media Player)
3) Orchestra Version for the Soundtrack of Garota de Ipanema
(Search "Ipanema under Search by Title, run mouse over Real Player Icon and click)

2005-06-17T01:18:00.000+08:00

Garota de Ipanema

2005-06-17T01:17:00.000+08:00

Antonio Carlos Jobim

世上只有妈妈好。。。

2005-06-15T17:12:00.000+08:00

My mum is one hell of a woman that drives me nuts. I don't know why, but every time she tells me something or asks me to do something, I get really pissed. She is on a 1 week leave now and she is driving me nuts, but she doesn't know about it. She is such a lost woman, the ultra wishy-washy type and sometimes it drives me nuts. She was planning on going overseas for a short vacation as she had some unhappiness at work. So Genting over the weekends was an option. I told her if she wanted me to go, she had to decide quickly because I wanted to find a job. But still, she left it hanging. I called up Grassland, "the coach company to Genting", and found out that it was fully booked till monday. She then said something like no need to check with the other companies, and 这么赶的，不要去了。Then she thought about asking our uncle to bring us around JB and that is also not decided.

Today, she found out that an ex-colleague of hers had passed away and wanted to attend his Songka. So she asked me to drive her there. Just b4 we leave the house, she asks me to buy 4D for her later. I don't know why, it's just buying 4D and SIngapore Pools was just downstairs, but I get really irritated. I was thinking: "Can't you buy it yourself?" I told her OK.

She wanted me to drive her to Kim Tien area near SGH to meet her friends first. She said her friends would be waiting for her at the busstop. As I was driving, she suddenly remarked, "4D 店六点就关了。” I just got more irritated. I know she was just trying to remind me, but it just pissed me off. I put on a black face and she started nagging abt if 不方便， then no need to buy. That irritated me even more. Would I not buy it for you?

Then we came to the meeting place but her friends were not there. She then called her friends to ask where they were. We went on until around near Chinatown then found a U-turn and made a U turn. Her friend told her they were around the Sikh temple, where we went pass earlier but didn't see them. We went back there again, but didn't see them there. What happenened was they didn't wait at the side of the road, but was under one of the blocks buying 4D. WTF! My mum told me to wait in the middle of a T-junction for her friends to come out. WTF!! I decided to turn into the housing blocks bec there was a car behind me. Then, finally I saw them walk out of Singapore Pools. They came into the car and the first thing they said was: "哇，儿子很瘦hor, 跟他老豆一样。"Stupid bitches. I hate it when ppl say that. Freaking irritating. As if I want to be so skinny. And you asked my mum to meet at the bus stop and yet you were buying 4D when we arrived. WTF!!! was that supposed to mean?

And I didn't know what my mum was thinking. After they boarded the car, my mum told them to guide me to the place. My mum said: "hahaha... 你要跟他讲走哪里。他刚刚pass driving." I didn't know if she was trying to save face for me in case I went the wrong way or she simply didn't know my driving status. HELLO, MUM, I passed 2 years ago, remember.

I don't hate my mum. She is really good to me and my sis. But I just can't help but get irritated but her antics. Always so dependent on us. Always so wishy-washy. Always being too nice in the wrong way that not only does she not get in the good books of people, but actually annoy some. I can't help but get angry and irritated with her, but I feel guilty after realising how I treat her. She is a real nice lady but I guess she is always too nice, and tries too hard to please everybody even though she doesn't willingly want to please that person. I hope she doesn't get pushed around that much. Gotta learn to assert herself more. She's always succumbing herself to the tyranny of others and gets herself angry after that. She has thoughts of retiring, but I worry for her. What will become of her when she doesn't have a job to occupy her time? She doesn't have that many close friends and she isn't the active type of person. She hates activities with crowds and facing strangers. She doesn't like taking public transport. How??? Any suggestions anyone? Am I just the typical nagging hater, or am I a mother hater?

No mother and bitches were harmed in the writting of this blog.

LKY at Madam Tussaud's Hongkong. Don't Play Play!

2005-06-13T02:37:00.000+08:00

MM LKY (which stands for Minister Mentor Mister Lee Kwan Yew).
Up close and personal, with wrinkles, eyebags and receeding hairline all replicated in 1:1.
People, pay your respect...

Watcha Looking At?

ConfessionS Of A SleePlesS MinD

但愿人长久

生日（不）快乐

15.04.2011 Time to say goodbye - Xinyu Bookshop

怎么办

what can i do to make you love me?

My Life My Rules

Doctor's appointment

Love & Other Drugs

Superskinny Me

2010

好想

"Cross the t's" & dot the i's

Another secret to be buried forever

傻了。疯了。该清醒了。

哭

Optimism

Survivor

ARE YOU HAPPY WITH YOUR JOB?

Poor Me - A Chinese Bastard

25岁单身王老五的人生观

黑色幽默

07' A year of transitions

花好月圆

What's a "good" career option?

New Look

Long entry after trying weekend and 1st day at work...

Random thoughts

Pretenders - I'll Stand By You

It's official

Xin Chao - Back from Vietnam

In Loving Memory

It's about time no more

Counting down to the thesis deadline

Happy Daez

Making and Breaking the New Year

Set Me Free...

Letting go of the "important" things in life

都是我

2007

Having weird thoughts again

Who says we don't care?

Kermit suffers blow from newswriting class

妈， 生日快乐。

Can you spot Me?

Do you See who I really Am inside?

Sometimes you just want someone to talk to.

Hong Kong... 我来也

Guang Hui Seafood- like fuck

Fucked up essays

iNsYnC is officially online

I have to be insane to do this at this hour

Media writing class

Sucky essays, shit, shot down

Normalcy, opposites attract

MICHEAL Wa Lao Bei

The day I turned 23.

23 Dog Libra

This song says it all

10/10

Work in regress

Not supposed to make any sense

都是蛊惑仔惹的祸。。。

Ungrammatical and not in chronological order

Kermit the warped amphibian

我真的受伤了 (Sing along)

Touch of pink

Small, small Kermit.

Al-Azhar... Pratas for the soul.

Enough

冷笑话s...

Just think about it.

美女大对决！

Boring Life, Boring Post

Mr Lonely

Flying Object

Here we go again... S R Nathan again...

Ting Cor(s)

绝对SUPERSTAR。 有我，哪有他

绝对SUPERSTAR Part 2

妈，生日快乐。

绝对SUPERSTAR。有我，哪有他