ConfessionS Of A SleePlesS MinD

Something that pissed me off.

I was chatting to a friend on ICQ that day. This friend (A) is studying in Australia and it was one of the rare occasions where we get to meet each other on the net. It was the usual stuff.Asking what I was doing for the holidays and things like that...... Then it happened again-A started asking me about (B). B is A's very close friend when she was still in Singapore. They shared intimate stuff although they were not lovers. From my point, I would say that I am quite a good friend of B. The problem is that everytime I get to chat with A, the subject always end up talking about B. She would start asking me how B was, what he was doing, how she missed him and so on. It was okay at the beginning but when this happened on every chat we have, it kinda pisses me off. I feel like I am always living in the shadow of B. That my purpose of existence for A is to provide information about B. He is always the focus and I am growing to hate that.

Sometimes I really want to share what I feel about things to A, but perhaps the chemistry is just missing. I dont even know why I am posting this on the blog. I guess I need a avenue to vent my frustration. Perhaps it is just this feeling that nobody really understands how I feel, what I think about. Perhaps I just feel that it is important to no one or that special someone whom I can share these with has yet to appear. Or perhaps the anxiety that this someone may never appear unless I can truly grow to accept myself for who and what I am.

Human emotions are a very powerful tool and I have felt the effects on how it can affect a person's life. Especially if something from childhood caused a dramtic impact. I recall certain happenings in my childhood days that may have an impact on what I am today. Once the damage is done, it may be hard to heal.

I remember this aunt who used to comment that I was stupid and always comparing me to another cousin. He was bigger, smarter and more good-looking than I was. She made those remarks not to intentionally insult me but they hurt me in a certain way. There was also another time when another aunt invited my cousin to stay over at her place to play with her son. But she did not invite me commmenting something about not wanting to many people over because her daughter had music lessons or something like that. I started crying and seeing me in tears, she reluctantly asked me over as well. This incident had a great impact on me. This resulted me in reacting in eccentric ways in certain situations. There was always this insecurity of being unwanted but I have grown to slowly overcome this.

I think enoughs said for this posting. I just want to share that the next time you say or do something to somebody, esp. a child, think about how it may affect that person!

posted by KERMIT @ 6:42 PM