ConfessionS Of A SleePlesS MinD

Letting go of the "important" things in life

Sometime last week or two weeks ago, Adrianne, an exchange student from US asked me why another classmate of mine wasn't in class that day. That dialogue just kept appearing in my mind, as if to remind me of something.

Adrianne: Is Steven in class today?
Me: Don't think so. Maybe he is busy with something.
Adrianne: Isn't the true that Singaporean students never skip lessons?
Me: Is that your impression of Singapore? Where did you get the impression?
Adrianne: Right here at NUS...

Is this something that I, as a Singaporean student, should be proud of? Should I have responded - "Yes, that's the way it is and I'm proud of it" or should I have said "Come on, we're not as nerdy or as obsessed with academics as you think we are." I think the true tinkling within me lied somewhere in the middle. I said nothing to her in reply.

Is it true? Am I one of those academically driven nerds without a life or mind of my own? In terms of academic performance, I have outdone the expectations I had for myself in university. I am comfortably within the CAP range that I want to be in. It's my last semester in school- shouldn't I try to enjoy and experience Uni life to the fullest. Why shouldn't I give myself a break and slack? It isn't just about making the grades right?

But I am so imbued with the system, so hooked unto it, I find it hard to release myself from it even at times when I really feel like letting it all go. I think I shouldn't work so hard for grades - what's the point? My CAP won't differ much. I really dislike some of the lectures I have. I don't want to spend my last semester drowned in academic work.

But it's like an obssessive and frantic race for good grades. It's about outdoing the rest. It's about self-affirmation - that I can be good at something. It's about obligations and duty as a student - whatever that means. It's about doing as you're told and not stepping out of the box - so many activities are performed within the confines of boxes in this country. It's this obssession to do well in everything that I do, as if to prove something to myself and others. It's about showing to people that I can do it, as if to make up for a lack elsewhere.

But where am I in the middle of all this? Does my work and image define who I am?

Is this the way of life, especially in Singapore? A constant struggle to prioritise the "important" things? Work before play always? Is there no value on play here? What is "right" and what is "wrong"?

Life is just a painful process of internal struggles...

Maybe it's time to learn to let go of the "important" things in life and re-define importance.

posted by KERMIT @ 11:33 PM