ConfessionS Of A SleePlesS MinD

Hell freezes over.

It's been a while since I posted. Basically, my life is the same as it has always been for the past 22 years, but the fact is that it feels like a fucking mess.

I seem to be losing grasp of it, letting it all slip away. I just received some pictures that a friend sent to me. I was shocked and disgusted to see how I looked in the photographs. I look like a walking zombie. A living Nightmare Before Christmas. A 3D real life resident evil experiment gone wrong. I don't think I have looked worse in my life. I look pale like a certain Mr. Jackson(I don't like little boys), my dark eye rings put the endangered pandas to shame, I am skinny like chopstick. I'm not smiling at all, I look sad, angry, depressed, lost, confused, afraid, ashame, aloof, detached, awkward, FUGLY-anything that spells negativity. Is that how I really feel inside? Do I feel that down? Yah, I'm 22. It should be the prime of my life and I'm not doing that well by conventional standards but I try my best to live with it. I choose to believe I'm in a better state than the Lemon Tree Guy, although his dance moves could make any girl fall down to her knees or even on her face. Biological makeup is not something that you can always control. Honestly speaking, I have learnt to control some of that negativity, so I don't think I'm as depressed as I seem. I don't seem to look that bad when I look at myself in the mirror at home, but the pictures says it all, the truth. I guess the mirror I have at home is from the same manufacturer that produced the one that Snow White's Stepmother used.

Alicia's cousin asked her: "Is your friend troubled, why doesn't he smile in pictures?" I really have no answer to that question. Perhaps, I've never learnt to smile to people. Am I happy?- I would say NO! Am I sad? - I would say NO too. Is this good or bad? Life's definitely not a bed of roses, but it ain't a bitch either. I think my neurotic behaviour has made me into somewhat a semi-social freak. I'm just an awkward individual. Sometimes, I just feel odd with people around me. But sometimes, I really enjoy company. Sometimes, I just want to keep my mouth shut and put on a long face. I enjoy that. Sometimes, I just want to have a verbal diarrhoea. Perhaps my Jekyll and Hyde are playing hide and seek with me.

I haven't been doing any of my readings. I just pop up at tutorials and give not-so-intellectual comments that I try to sound intellectual with, that I just taught of during the tutorial. I'm always doing last minute prep for term paper, tutorial presentations and work. I'm hooked on finishing seasons of Sex in the City. The media is so addictive. I've been sleeping late, waking up and feel as though I've never slept. I haven't touch my guitar for a month. I'm letting the spirit of Slack in to possess my body. I need an exorcism. I just don't feel like sleeping. I enjoy the night. The silence, the darkness. I am alone to contemplate, do whatever I like it without anyone judging, staring, interupting, nagging at me. I feel so awake at night. Maybe I'm demonic, feeding off the moon, embracing the darkness.

I'm going to pull myself out from all this shit. Time for some control before it all slips away before my very eyes. Time to forget the beauty of night and embrace the sunlight. 太阳公公你等我。 I'll see you soon.

posted by KERMIT @ 12:00 AM