ConfessionS Of A SleePlesS MinD

The day I turned 23.

Yesterday was my 23rd Birthday. Finding it hard to catch up with time. It's time like this that you think about what you've achieved thus far? For me, nothing much, esp. in things that matter in life (obviously including the romane department).

Didn't want to "celebrate" my birthday this year. Sometimes, when the people around you and the surrounding change and aren't what they use to be, the significance is gone, the ambience is gone. It becomes a meaningless and hypocritical act if I go through with it for the sake of doing so. When your own attitude and mindset take a dramatic turn for the "better" or "worse", there isn't much cause or reasons for celebrations either. It just isn't what it used to be...

Birthday celebrations celebrates the birth of an individual. The individual takes on a significant role and existence on that day. It is a ritual whereby the individual is idolised and the day's events is supposed to revolve around him/her. But often times, it doesn't always end up being about him or her. Sometimes, it's just reason for getting together. Sometimes, it's just something one does so because one feels there is a need to.

My questions is: "Is there a cause for celebration?" I would love the answer to be "YES!" but this year, the answer is clearly "No." I just don't find much cause for celebration this year round. I don't feel that I have anyone that I would like to celebrate my birth with, without having to act as though I'm really happy, exicted, blah blah... Having said that, I'm not as pessimistic, sado-masochistic, depressive and cynical as you would imagine me to be. Maybe I'm just sexually deprived? Haha...

But the fact of it is that a part of me does care. I still want my existence to mean something. We are all materialistic and we all want acceptance. We all want our existence to mean something. I'm glad that the band guys, esp Jeremy, made an effort to drag me out of my self-imposed hermit existence- me shutting everyone out and building walls around myself. Appreciate the unspoken gestures. I'm glad I didn't allow myself to sink into the typical plot of misery and self-pity.

Great food, great friends. Just a dinner, nothing fanciful but I enjoyed myself being around people I felt comfortable with. I recovered some of the cause for celebration. Thanks again to those who came.

Back at home, it was just another day in 2005. My parents didn't seem to remember. My mum is too caught up with work. My Dad is simply too overworked and was sleeping when I left the house in the evening. Even Sis didn't remember. I guess she's too caught up with her wedding preparations. But I'd thought she'd remember. I don't blame them. I didn't say anything and our family don't normally have a birthday celebration culture. Come to think of it, we don't have any sort of "celebrative" culture at all. I've always convince myself that it isn't that we don't care about each other, it's just that we're different.

Next time, I want to celebrate my birthday with friends and everyone has to get drunk and high. Forget all that makes sense. Forget your self-conscience. Just forget everything and be high for the night. Now that's a cause for celebrations.

posted by KERMIT @ 11:50 PM