ConfessionS Of A SleePlesS MinD

Not supposed to make any sense

Took a long hiatus from blogging. Caught up in a world of frenzy over nothing. Rushing deadlines and essays. But most importantly, I just didn't feel like writing.

Got back an essay today. Bloody got a C. Fuck. Two assignments due and the group is just waiting for things to happen. Today, I feel the groove to blog again.

I always wonder how I appear to people who meet me for the first time? What is their perception of me when they see me for the first time? I come to think of myself as appearing cold and aloof. I think my physical appearance does some serious damage to how people view me. You know how its like to feel that you are in the wrong skin? People are superficial and beauty is important. Don't listen to all the crap abt beauty is from within. It is never about the inner-beauty when people first get to know you. Just because you aren't a "beautiful" being, you have to put in that extra effort to show that you are beautiful on the inside just to be noticed, to be appreciated. Fuck. Well, I am ugly and I look sickly, aloof and cold and that's the way it is. But that doesn't mean I'm unfriendly and you just strike me off like that.

I have been undergoing some self-contemplation. What have I accomplished so far? I came to a conclusion that nothing significant has been accomplised and I could actually be a loser trying putting on a brave front, trying to show the world that everything is fine. All that self-confidence could actually be a sub-concious mechanism my body uses to cover up my lack of it and my under achivements. Even so, I will not give up on myself. If I do, that will be the day you see me cut my own wrist in self-defeat. Why am I always so afraid?

Am I alone? I feel very much so. I feel misplaced. I am just too weird to fit in anywhere. I just feel so lost when I walk alone in school. Where am I heading? What's the point? Maybe the problem lies in me, but don't the people around me who makes/made me feel this way bear some responsibility?

Friends? What friends? A more appropriate term would be acquaintances. Who fucking cares apart from having a good time?

Why can't anyone truly understand me? Not even a single person?

Blabbering like a mad man which I think I am actually one, or I'm near to madness. Enough of all these boring repititive nonsense. The 4 ulcers in my mouth are killing me. Time to rub salt into my own wounds.

posted by KERMIT @ 11:38 PM