Saturday, August 05, 2006

Having weird thoughts again

I can't believe I'm back to blogging. Haven't touched this blog for months. I'd thought I would never blog again - it was a thing of a past and I wasn't going to share my inner feelings on the www ever again. But here I am blogging again. What a loser... So typical of me - Never sticking to what I had promised myself. Just needed some place to put these words down...

Mahjong has been called off and here I am alone at home with everyone else asleep. On my lonely journey back on the bus, my mind just went crazy thinking about my life- what it has been, what it will be and most importantly what it might never be. I looked myself in the mirror and it was as though I saw this hideous creature that should have stayed at home in the first place. I should have known better.

I look at the long list of names on my MSN. Seems like I have a lot of friends. But how do you define a friend? Is there someone I can turn to and trust, and to lend a listening ear? The feeling of being that invisible man and a spare tyre started coming back again. I am never the most important in anybody's life, except for my parents perhaps and I love them for that. I'm just the man that happens to be there - the entertainer, the loser. Mostly, I am the one that people can do without. Did I do that to myself? I guess that's why people need love- someone who really listens, someone to lend support, someone to protect, someone to hold, someone to kiss, someone to talk to, someone who understands, someone who appreciates, someone you can give your life to... But how will someone like me when I don't even like myself? I'm so pathetic.

Frankly, I don't know what I want from people anymore. I just want to escape... but there is no escape, is there?