Superskinny Me
Prologue: I never thought I would blog about something so private. But this short break from work and life-changing triggers over the past two years have forced me to take some time off to think about my life and where I am heading. I know if I don't confront my past, I cannot face my future. If I don't confront myself, I cannot face the rest of the world. I need to be honest with myself, and be daring about it. What's more daring than sharing this on the www... and yet I can feel safe and secure behind the shield of my monitor.I chanced upon a UK reality programme Supersize vs Superskinny. Watched a couple of episodes... think it helped me take baby steps in confronting my inner demons... my issues with self-esteem which I have tried to avoid for years. Kind of cathartic.
In season 3 episode 6, underweight Nick reveals how teasing and bullying in school has perhaps led to his quick-fix diet. He doesn't want strangers to stare at him eating - thinking they would be staring at his protruding teeth. Yet at the same time, like any young man, he wants to feel confident and be noticed. He wants to be as "manly" and as attractive as his bigger-built buddies...
Though the cause of being underweight may differ, his struggle resonates. I think I know exactly how he feels. The feeling of always being the freakshow... or the skinny unpopular guy standing in the corner of the room... the guy no one will take a second look at for the right reasons. The junior college years were perhaps the worst for me - the infant years of flirting, hormonal overdrive and sexual awakening. The years where anything can/should happen didn't happen for me. I was a lonely, insecure boy with low self-esteem. This carried on into my college years.
I've always been underweight. The tall, skinny one. I usually brush off comments made about my weight with self-mockery. I try to be strong by hiding behind the facade of humour - perhaps because it's the only way I know how to deal with it. I love photography because I like to capture beautiful things, but I hate to have photos taken of me. Because I usually end up seeing a hideous monster in the photos. I am not the image that I want/imagine myself to be... maybe the truth hurts too much and I would rather not face it. Things have improved over the years, and I have become more accepting of myself... but it's still a struggle. But I am slowly coping.
Because of my weight, I try to avoid body contact. My family has never had a culture of body contact. We don't hug, we don't do kisses on the cheeks (not since I went to kindergarten?), we don't even pat each other on the shoulders. The more it's lacking, the more I long for intimacy. But I feel so uncomfortable when someone puts his/her arm on my shoulder --- not because I detest body contact, but because I am disgusted with my own "bony-ness" and do not want the other party to feel/notice it. I am afriad he/she will turn around and say: "you feel disgusting". I once heard a girl say that she likes a broad shoulder to lean on. Subconciously, I think that statement may have scarred me - who would want to lean on a protruding and bony shoulder for comfort? Yet, I long for someone to touch me, to just hold me and tell me that it's OK. Ironic struggle, isn't it?
"But if I can't even convince myself, how can I believe that someone else will find it OK?"
That is also the reason I try to avoid body massages - the fear of someone touching my body and reminding me how disgustingly skinny I am.
I just want to be "normal" like anyone else. I will try to change if I can... but with my pre-existing medical condition, will I ever be normal? Can I ever be what I want to be?
It seems like no one understands. But after watching this reality programme, it gives me hope that I'm not alone in this.
Can someone just give me a hug now and tell me "I love you for the way you are"? I need a little of that.
