ConfessionS Of A SleePlesS MinD

Looks familiar?............. 

posted by KERMIT @ 1:52 AM 0 Comments

Mode of Depression

Why can't I be what I really wanna be? Why are some things predestined? No matter how much you try to change it, it will be the same. Why are some things out of my control? I didnt want it this way. It is just fucking unfair. I want so much more out of this life. I dont want my life to be so misearable. I dont want to keep trying to feel good, I want to feel good. Feel good about my life, about who I am, about how I look, about the air I breathe the minute I wake up to the minute I fall asleep. You know something is really wrong when you can't bear to see yourself as a normal human being. I just want to be normal like everyone else but I am not. I just want to fit in but somehow I am always convinced or made to feel that I will always be odd, the one in the corner, the one in the shadows, the pathetic one maybe. I try my best but sometimes life just fuck back at me. Sometimes I deceive myself just to make life more bearable. But I have too much to lose to throw this life away-my friends, family and my dreams.

"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then no more."
-Macbeth

But my time on this stage is yet to be up. I am still finding my audience and applause.

posted by KERMIT @ 2:07 AM 0 Comments

家的定义是什么?

昨天我妈告诉了我一些关于家里的事情. 她告诉了我一些她嫁近来之后所受过的委屈. 说了一些让我心里听了非常不舒服的话. 这些话让我听到了亲戚的另外一面, 佛面蝎心的一面. 其实也没那么夸张.

她告诉了我他们上一代的一些恩恩怨怨, 一些她刚嫁近来时某些成员对她不公平的对待. 这影响了我对某些亲戚的看法. 我尽量的告诉自己不要被她的话影响, 因为这毕竟是她的片面之词. 她的个性也可能导致她对事情有过于严重的见解. 但是这是不可能的, 我还是被影响了.

我妈是个不善于表达自己的人. 她总是那么的替别人着想, 那么的关心别人. 但她的关心经过不适当的表达方式, 可能导致别人嫌她八卦, 好管闲事. 她的脸皮非常的薄, 永远都那么的在乎别人对她的看法. 她性格内向, 也不会巴结别人, 却又很想和老公的家人建立像自己家人的关系, 尤其是因为我爸一向来都没有和家里的人建立一个很亲很融洽的关系. 但她觉得她的付出不但没有回报, 反而得到不合理的对待. 这令她非常的痛苦和遗憾.

人多是非也就多. 我最讨厌这种家庭成员之间的勾心斗角, 是是非非. 我对家抱着一个非常温馨完美的憧憬(或许对很多人来说是个天真的憧憬). 家应该是个避风港. 如果回到家还需要处心积虑, 想着应付家人的方法, 这实在太假太累了. 一个家应该是由心建立的, 家人于家人之间的相处应该是很自然和无负担的. 虽然说上一代的事不应该牵连下一代, 但是这是无法避免的. 在某些程度上, 上一代的心结一定会影响下一代.

有时候孔子思想和价值观是个枷锁, 一道监狱. 它把一个家绑得太紧, 太多规矩, 太多面子上的考量. 它把一个家搞得太假. 大家都戴着面具做人.

我告诉我自己尽量不要被上一代的事影响. 谁曾经对我好, 我非常清楚. 谁戴着面具, 我也渐渐地看得清. 不过, 我们是一家人. 虽然感觉上没那么亲, 但我们还是一家人. 这是一辈子的事实.

posted by KERMIT @ 1:35 AM 0 Comments

After one year of absence from the screen, Stephanie Sun was still able to win the Most popular Female Artist Award. Her lastest award from an awards ceremony that tabulates the results form votes from 5 countries-China, Hongkong, Taiwan, Malaysia and Singapore. She is such a gem.

posted by KERMIT @ 1:52 AM 0 Comments

Pessimism? Maybe. But I think thats the way this fucked up life is...

Went Orchard again today. Really boring!! Nothing much to do if you dont wanna spend money. No wonder catching movies is the Singapore No. 1 hobby. Had quite a long chat with Kenneth. Again, we talked about the topic that had been bothering him. I know it means a lot to him, that's why he is so frustrated by how things have turned out. Just want to tell him just to take my words lightly, dont take them seriously. I sometimes say what I feel in that moment in time. But time changes things and I might change my perspective at a later stage. So I think Kenneth has a choice to view things from his own perspective. I shouldn't try to say things to him that try to impose my own views on him.

I guess we can only wish that our Friend becomes more willing to open up to us in the future. But at this point in time, I guess he has no wish to include us in his new world. Everybody wishes for a better life and everybody does this in a different manner. Some people want to announce to the world that life is changing for him/her. Some just want others to start realizing for themselves. There are those who want to leave the past behind as they want a total change. As one grows older, the definition of friendship starts deviating from the initial one. You can no longer expect the same commitment, because when people are more exposed to life, they set different priorities at different points in life. Different people start fitting into the picture and some get eliminated. Some people try their best to cramp everybody into the picture but some people just want to keep a neat picture, eliminating those that dont fit in at that point in time. However, I believe, those eliminated are not forgotten. They will remain at a certain place and shift into the picture again when the current picture no longer suits the time.

Dont feel too upset if you are out of the picture. It happens. You will only become very miserable if you are too bothered. In the past, I had been very emotional about such matters but it is just not worth it too feel so miserable when nobody else understands or cares. Of course, you will feel frustrated at times, I do occassionally, but you gotta think about moving on and just reminiscent on what use to be. Seek comfort in that. Gotta accept the fact that even though a person may be a prority in your life, you might not be his/her prority. I just feel that when you stay true and are always ready to be there to give a helping hand, the friendship will somehow be recovered one day. How long down the road? I dont know but it will somehow. Even if it doesn't happen, you have done your part in trying. Pessimism? Maybe. But I think thats the way this fucked up life is...

posted by KERMIT @ 1:00 AM 0 Comments