Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Making and Breaking the New Year

It's only the third day of Chinese New Year and I've already done something that I'd regret for the whole year. - Great JOb Mr. Dunno When to Shut Your Mouth!

It just reminds again how I need to learn when to shut my mouth, when to be sensitive and be less evil. I'm truly sorry but I don't know how or if I should say that to you. I hope you will really forgive me. No one was making fun nor did we do it on purpose. I'm SORRY! I am sorry if I have hurt you in any way, Auntie. Hopefully, when you wake up tomorrow, everything that happened will be history. Remember - we are family and we all care for you.

On the more (positive) aspect of things...

Chinese New Year celebrations hasn't been as dreadful as I had cynically expected it to be. I could even say it was Aight!! - a time for rebuilding ties and bonds, regardless of how superficial they might be... it's better than nothing. Plus, all the food!!... I would even say I kinda enjoyed CNY - minus all the sitting around at relative's place doing nothing.

The Ang Baos this year are also significantly "fatter" than last year's. heehee!

Gambling is also one of the most anticipated CNY activities. It's a good excuse for bonding, seriously. It's always a grand sight to have more than 10 family members getting around a table for a game of blackjack. Plus it's a chance to make some extra bucks too. However, the year of the PIG doesn't seem to be a good gambling year for me. Play what, lose what. Usually I very Heng during CNY, but not this time round.

Of course, there are the routine CNY questions that I dread : "Why didn't you bring your girlfriend along? I was expecting you to. Next year must bring OK?" As usual, I feel myself being redefined as a dysfunctional family member, even a loser. It sucks but it will only get worse when I grow older. With less counterparts remaining single...

As for my sister, the inevitable question directed to her was - When are you going to have a baby? Arghh!!! But the pain was instant and short-lived as the topic was quickly diverted to something else.

This year, CNY had to coincide with the school term break - Sucks. Less time for play and even less time for study and catching up, with all the work piled up on me.

Things to do
- Thesis draft (to be done by Thursday)
- Readings, in preparation for project meeting (to be done by Thursday)
- Arts Fest sched in preparation for TCO meeting (to be done by Thursday)
- Meetings scheduled for Thursday ( 11am - meet thesis supervisor, 12 pm - Social Change project meeting, 2 pm TCO meeting, 4 pm - Ethics project meeting)
- 2 episodes of The Hospital for subtitling and time-coding
- 2 outstanding article to be edited for TCO

The thought of it all makes me want to puke. To think that I still have the luxury and time of posting this blog. Ahh... Time is the one thing that I can never own. But still, everything can wait till tomorrow right?

Life goes on. Hoping for a betting tomorrow.

Let me save the rest of my cynicism and spiteful whining for another day.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Set Me Free...

Monday, February 05, 2007

Letting go of the "important" things in life

Sometime last week or two weeks ago, Adrianne, an exchange student from US asked me why another classmate of mine wasn't in class that day. That dialogue just kept appearing in my mind, as if to remind me of something.

Adrianne: Is Steven in class today?
Me: Don't think so. Maybe he is busy with something.
Adrianne: Isn't the true that Singaporean students never skip lessons?
Me: Is that your impression of Singapore? Where did you get the impression?
Adrianne: Right here at NUS...

Is this something that I, as a Singaporean student, should be proud of? Should I have responded - "Yes, that's the way it is and I'm proud of it" or should I have said "Come on, we're not as nerdy or as obsessed with academics as you think we are." I think the true tinkling within me lied somewhere in the middle. I said nothing to her in reply.

Is it true? Am I one of those academically driven nerds without a life or mind of my own? In terms of academic performance, I have outdone the expectations I had for myself in university. I am comfortably within the CAP range that I want to be in. It's my last semester in school- shouldn't I try to enjoy and experience Uni life to the fullest. Why shouldn't I give myself a break and slack? It isn't just about making the grades right?

But I am so imbued with the system, so hooked unto it, I find it hard to release myself from it even at times when I really feel like letting it all go. I think I shouldn't work so hard for grades - what's the point? My CAP won't differ much. I really dislike some of the lectures I have. I don't want to spend my last semester drowned in academic work.

But it's like an obssessive and frantic race for good grades. It's about outdoing the rest. It's about self-affirmation - that I can be good at something. It's about obligations and duty as a student - whatever that means. It's about doing as you're told and not stepping out of the box - so many activities are performed within the confines of boxes in this country. It's this obssession to do well in everything that I do, as if to prove something to myself and others. It's about showing to people that I can do it, as if to make up for a lack elsewhere.

But where am I in the middle of all this? Does my work and image define who I am?

Is this the way of life, especially in Singapore? A constant struggle to prioritise the "important" things? Work before play always? Is there no value on play here? What is "right" and what is "wrong"?

Life is just a painful process of internal struggles...

Maybe it's time to learn to let go of the "important" things in life and re-define importance.