Normalcy, opposites attract
Just popped down a whole box of panadol and a can of coke... Just kidding. Just popped down 2 pills of panadol. I can feel flu and fever creeping in. My body was sore, I felt hot inside but cold on the outside. Feel much better now, starting to sweat after taking panadol.
Had our advertising project discussion today. Felt really tired, couldn't think much or come up with any ideas. Actually I quite gian to do the creative part. It's fun, I've always liked to imagine things and I'm kinda sick of typing reports. But I know Kenneth very gian to do creative, and Lianwei came up with the idea. So OK loh, do report also can lah.
Got back my Lit Stylistic essay. Got only 6.7. I think the class average is around 7-8 plus. For the class test, got only 6.8. Class average also around 7-8 plus. Sianz...
I have become so dysfunctional as a member of this society. I just fear that one day, I would not fit into society at all and become an outcast. This angry, autistic, cynical loser who is an eyesore. This gollum-esque freak of nature that everyone hates to love, but loves to hate. The fear that I can never be normal like the rest, or live a "normal" life that everyone is supposed to live. BUT if I succeed in making everyone else like me, an army of me (isn't that thrillingly freaky), then I would have succeeded in becoming normal. I set normality.
Everyone(generalisation but true) craves to be normal, to fit into the mould. The problem occurs when you feel you aren't normal. Some people do a good job and make a living out of being "ab"normal- the term normally used is unique and special. But what about people who want to be normal but don't feel that they can ever be normal? How do they reconcile their feelings and their wants? Sometimes, people become dysfunctional because society make them feel "ab"normal. The more you refuse to conform, the more "ab"normal you are made to look. Normality-a powerful act of the mind. When it swallows you and becomes your very existence, society has succeeded and you have lost your very existence as an individual being. When you think you are special- are you really special or is it just the norm of the society to try to be special? If everyone is special, no one is special anymore. (Panadol and coke starting to take its effects...)
Recently I watched Fight Club. Not a bad show but I kinda expected the twist. Nowadays, I am so used to twists, it takes something really creative and clever to surprise me. In the show, Edward Norton is this schizophrenic guy. Basically, it is this Jekyll and Hyde thing, where the Brad Pitt character is actually the Norton character but the Norton character doesn't know it until the 2nd half of the show. The Brad Pitt character is all that the Norton character wants to be and all that he is not or thinks that he's not. Handsome, male adonis, great in bed, commanding, rebellious, etc.
Think of someone you wish you were. What does that person stand for?
Most likely, that idol of yours is someone that's all that you're not. You feed your lack in that person's haves. Some poeple say opposites attract. You find what you lack in the person you are attracted to. The two combine to make a complete whole, the balance of the Yin and the Yang and all that shit. Is that absolutely true? I dunno, one needs a date to know. How would someone like me know?
Think of a person you hate. Why do you hate this person?
I have this theory that sometimes you hate a person because he is deeply similar to you. He has traits that you hate and these are the traits that you have too, but sometimes you are just unwilling to admit or you are concisously unaware that you are like that too. Deep down you know- Damn, I'm just so fucking like him/her but I hate that.
OK, the panadol and coke effect wearing off liao. Need to go. Time to chase the dragon...
MICHEAL Wa Lao Bei
这是小伦的故事。 从小到大， 他和MICHAEL相依为命。 MICHAEL 就像他爸一样。 但这个家庭有个不可告人的秘密。
警告： 内容色情。 阅读者需经过家长同意。
Sexual references may be offensive.
Don't like it, Scram...
我听说MICHAEL是个好人提倡世界和平
为什么看到MICHAEL总是一直摸我LANPA
就因为不够白 他就能拿我鸟出气
我真的看不下去 以为我较细汉
从小到大只有小鸟的陪伴 为什么MICHAEL 那么变态
如果真的我有一只小鸟 二只小鸟 随时出发
偷偷出发 我一定带我鸟走 从前的教育
别人的家庭 别人的爸爸种种的性向因素一定都会有原因
但是呢 鸟跟我都没有错亏我叫你一声MICHAEL~YOU KNOW YOU'RE BAD。。。
YOU KNOW IT
不要再这样摸我LANPA
我说的话 你甘会听?
不要再这样摸我LANPA
难道你手 不会酸吗?
其实我回家就想要阻止一切 让家庭回到过去甜甜
温馨的欢乐香味 虽然这是我编造出来的事实
有点讽刺 有点酸性 但它确在这快乐社会发生产生共鸣产生共鸣
来阻止一切非礼 小鸟随着膨胀吸入血液情绪
从小到大你叫我学习你把你当榜样 好多的假像
妈妈常说乖~~听MICHAEL的话 你叫我怎么跟你像~~
不要再这样摸我LANPA
我说的话 你甘会听?
不要再这样摸我LANPA
难道你手 不会酸吗?
12345678 12345678
我叫你MIC 你摸我鸟这样对吗 干嘛这样
何必那么变态过火~瞎~说都说不听 听
痛是我鸟在痛 痛
The day I turned 23.
Yesterday was my 23rd Birthday. Finding it hard to catch up with time. It's time like this that you think about what you've achieved thus far? For me, nothing much, esp. in things that matter in life (obviously including the romane department).
Didn't want to "celebrate" my birthday this year. Sometimes, when the people around you and the surrounding change and aren't what they use to be, the significance is gone, the ambience is gone. It becomes a meaningless and hypocritical act if I go through with it for the sake of doing so. When your own attitude and mindset take a dramatic turn for the "better" or "worse", there isn't much cause or reasons for celebrations either. It just isn't what it used to be...
Birthday celebrations celebrates the birth of an individual. The individual takes on a significant role and existence on that day. It is a ritual whereby the individual is idolised and the day's events is supposed to revolve around him/her. But often times, it doesn't always end up being about him or her. Sometimes, it's just reason for getting together. Sometimes, it's just something one does so because one feels there is a need to.
My questions is: "Is there a cause for celebration?" I would love the answer to be "YES!" but this year, the answer is clearly "No." I just don't find much cause for celebration this year round. I don't feel that I have anyone that I would like to celebrate my birth with, without having to act as though I'm really happy, exicted, blah blah... Having said that, I'm not as pessimistic, sado-masochistic, depressive and cynical as you would imagine me to be. Maybe I'm just sexually deprived? Haha...
But the fact of it is that a part of me does care. I still want my existence to mean something. We are all materialistic and we all want acceptance. We all want our existence to mean something. I'm glad that the band guys, esp Jeremy, made an effort to drag me out of my self-imposed hermit existence- me shutting everyone out and building walls around myself. Appreciate the unspoken gestures. I'm glad I didn't allow myself to sink into the typical plot of misery and self-pity.
Great food, great friends. Just a dinner, nothing fanciful but I enjoyed myself being around people I felt comfortable with. I recovered some of the cause for celebration. Thanks again to those who came.
Back at home, it was just another day in 2005. My parents didn't seem to remember. My mum is too caught up with work. My Dad is simply too overworked and was sleeping when I left the house in the evening. Even Sis didn't remember. I guess she's too caught up with her wedding preparations. But I'd thought she'd remember. I don't blame them. I didn't say anything and our family don't normally have a birthday celebration culture. Come to think of it, we don't have any sort of "celebrative" culture at all. I've always convince myself that it isn't that we don't care about each other, it's just that we're different.
Next time, I want to celebrate my birthday with friends and everyone has to get drunk and high. Forget all that makes sense. Forget your self-conscience. Just forget everything and be high for the night. Now that's a cause for celebrations.
This song says it all
另一张脸刮了一阵大风莫明奇妙变天
无缘无辜心情灰
站在窗前感觉就算世界少了我
其实也无所谓
蠢蠢欲动黑暗那一面
不停的在变形吞掉我的极限
陷在有冷又黑的悲观里就像出现另一张脸
看着这张陌生的脸自己都讨厌
觉得心情起伏不定没有人了解
这种孤独想大声哭觉得活得累
觉得一切一切全都虚伪我想像个傻子一样笑着过一天
想要看着你的薇笑相信有明天
想要留下每有一分钟快乐的感觉
偏偏这张脸在我意志脆弱无奈又胡思乱想害怕时就出现
不了解 看不见 灰的脸 我的脸
歌手名称：孙燕姿
专辑名称：完美的一天
词： 林怡芬 曲：李偲菘
10/10
10 October- Taiwan National Day. Happy Burstday Taiwan...
Wanna Thank Yongming. Xie Xie- really appreciate it.
Starting to suspect I'm suffering from Mad Cow Disease. Can't concentrate well, can't think properly. Today in PR class, Dr Perry asked who was doing an issue on downloading music. I thought she asked who downloads music. I was surprised no one else in class raised his/her hand, but I raised mine. She asked me my stand on d/lg music. I started yakking away, telling her I only buy albums that I think are worth it and download the rest of the songs that I like...blah blah blah. Then she started asking me who's point of view I was going to take and things related to the issue tracking. I was blur like fuck. Only then I realised, she asked who was doing an issue on downloading music for the term project. We are supposed to track an issue (keep track of news for a particular issue, eg. Iraq war, dengue fever) for the term project. Malu siah, like fool like that. Apart from that, the rest of the day was pretty typical. Arts canteen overcrowded with people not from arts. No choice, had to go biz for lunch. Ate my fav grilled fish from biz western food stall. THink Biz has the best western stall.
On the bus today, I saw this Uncle around his 50s. He took out this white towel and started blowing his nose on it. Then, he started Orh-ing his Pi-Sai (dig his nose for gold) with the towel. After that, he flipped the towel to the other side and started wiping his face. Wipe face until shiok liao, he turned it over and Orh more Pi-Sai. Wah Kaoz. Good siah. No wonder his skin so smooth.
Work in regress
世界末日时， 你希望自己在地球的哪个角落？
I'm glad that some of the family conflict and tension had been resolved. Otherwise, I would have hated staying at home.
So much work, actually enough time but no mood to do anything much but still gotta do it siah- if not waste my school fees, waste 4 semesters worth of work. I'm feel drained and sick of going through the cycle of school. Just feel like quitting and find a job which I'll slave at for the rest of my life- just like my parents and the many parents around me.
I have my part of a group project due tomorrow and I haven't even started yet. Kaoz, I really don't know what to write siah. Literary stylistics- always go there to confuse myself. What was I thinking?
Feel weak. Havent been exercising at all. Look more aneroxic and "cancer-patient" than ever. Need a break, need a holiday. Need to get away from all the pesky and irritating people. But first, I need money for that. Who wants my skinny ass? Haha... Although skinny, should be enough to fetch me a trip to KL. Now is the time to go there and die of dengue. haha... Hmm...will I get arrested for this? Just joking lah, don't angry lah brudders.
其实， 我也不知道我想要在哪个角落。 我只希望世界末日时， 我无怨无悔.
I'll shout "Kiss my skinny ass" to everyone I see. "Kiss My Ass Suckers!"
Not supposed to make any sense
Took a long hiatus from blogging. Caught up in a world of frenzy over nothing. Rushing deadlines and essays. But most importantly, I just didn't feel like writing.
Got back an essay today. Bloody got a C. Fuck. Two assignments due and the group is just waiting for things to happen. Today, I feel the groove to blog again.
I always wonder how I appear to people who meet me for the first time? What is their perception of me when they see me for the first time? I come to think of myself as appearing cold and aloof. I think my physical appearance does some serious damage to how people view me. You know how its like to feel that you are in the wrong skin? People are superficial and beauty is important. Don't listen to all the crap abt beauty is from within. It is never about the inner-beauty when people first get to know you. Just because you aren't a "beautiful" being, you have to put in that extra effort to show that you are beautiful on the inside just to be noticed, to be appreciated. Fuck. Well, I am ugly and I look sickly, aloof and cold and that's the way it is. But that doesn't mean I'm unfriendly and you just strike me off like that.
I have been undergoing some self-contemplation. What have I accomplished so far? I came to a conclusion that nothing significant has been accomplised and I could actually be a loser trying putting on a brave front, trying to show the world that everything is fine. All that self-confidence could actually be a sub-concious mechanism my body uses to cover up my lack of it and my under achivements. Even so, I will not give up on myself. If I do, that will be the day you see me cut my own wrist in self-defeat. Why am I always so afraid?
Am I alone? I feel very much so. I feel misplaced. I am just too weird to fit in anywhere. I just feel so lost when I walk alone in school. Where am I heading? What's the point? Maybe the problem lies in me, but don't the people around me who makes/made me feel this way bear some responsibility?
Friends? What friends? A more appropriate term would be acquaintances. Who fucking cares apart from having a good time?
Why can't anyone truly understand me? Not even a single person?
Blabbering like a mad man which I think I am actually one, or I'm near to madness. Enough of all these boring repititive nonsense. The 4 ulcers in my mouth are killing me. Time to rub salt into my own wounds.
